The Merry Wiues of Windsor
Actus primus, Scena prima.
Enter Iustice Shallow, Slender, Sir Hugh Euans, Master Page,
Falstoffe,
Bardolph, Nym, Pistoll, Anne Page, Mistresse Ford, Mistresse
Page, Simple.
Shallow. Sir Hugh, perswade me not: I will make a StarChamber
matter of it, if hee were twenty Sir
Iohn Falstoffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow
Esquire
Slen. In the County of Glocester, Iustice of Peace and Coram
Shal. I (Cosen Slender) and Custalorum
Slen. I, and Ratolorum too; and a Gentleman borne
(Master Parson) who writes himselfe Armigero, in any
Bill, Warrant, Quittance, or Obligation, Armigero
Shal. I that I doe, and haue done any time these three
hundred yeeres
Slen. All his successors (gone before him) hath don't:
and all his Ancestors (that come after him) may: they
may giue the dozen white Luces in their Coate
Shal. It is an olde Coate
Euans. The dozen white Lowses doe become an old
Coat well: it agrees well passant: It is a familiar beast to
man, and signifies Loue
Shal. The Luse is the fresh-fish, the salt-fish, is an old
Coate
Slen. I may quarter (Coz)
Shal. You may, by marrying
Euans. It is marring indeed, if he quarter it
Shal. Not a whit
Euan. Yes per-lady: if he ha's a quarter of your coat,
there is but three Skirts for your selfe, in my simple coniectures;
but that is all one: if Sir Iohn Falstaffe haue
committed disparagements vnto you, I am of the Church
and will be glad to do my beneuolence, to make attonements
and compremises betweene you
Shal. The Councell shall heare it, it is a Riot
Euan. It is not meet the Councell heare a Riot: there
is no feare of Got in a Riot: The Councell (looke you)
shall desire to heare the feare of Got, and not to heare a
Riot: take your vizaments in that
Shal. Ha; o'my life, if I were yong againe, the sword
should end it
Euans. It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it: and there is also another deuice in my praine, which
peraduenture prings goot discretions with it. There is
Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page,
which is pretty virginity
Slen. Mistris Anne Page? she has browne haire, and
speakes small like a woman
Euans. It is that ferry person for all the orld, as iust as
you will desire, and seuen hundred pounds of Moneyes,
and Gold, and Siluer, is her Grand-sire vpon his deathsbed,
(Got deliuer to a ioyfull resurrections) giue, when
she is able to ouertake seuenteene yeeres old. It were a
goot motion, if we leaue our pribbles and prabbles, and
desire a marriage betweene Master Abraham, and Mistris
Anne Page
Slen. Did her Grand-sire leaue her seauen hundred
pound?
Euan. I, and her father is make her a petter penny
Slen. I know the young Gentlewoman, she has good
gifts
Euan. Seuen hundred pounds, and possibilities, is
goot gifts
Shal. Wel, let vs see honest Mr Page: is Falstaffe there?
Euan. Shall I tell you a lye? I doe despise a lyer, as I
doe despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not
true: the Knight Sir Iohn is there, and I beseech you be
ruled by your well-willers: I will peat the doore for Mr.
Page. What hoa? Got-plesse your house heere
Mr.Page. Who's there?
Euan. Here is go't's plessing and your friend, and Iustice
Shallow, and heere yong Master Slender: that peraduentures
shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to
your likings
Mr.Page. I am glad to see your Worships well: I
thanke you for my Venison Master Shallow
Shal. Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good
doe it your good heart: I wish'd your Venison better, it
was ill killd: how doth good Mistresse Page? and I thank
you alwaies with my heart, la: with my heart
M.Page. Sir, I thanke you
Shal. Sir, I thanke you: by yea, and no I doe
M.Pa. I am glad to see you, good Master Slender
Slen. How do's your fallow Greyhound, Sir, I heard
say he was out-run on Cotsall
M.Pa. It could not be iudg'd, Sir
Slen. You'll not confesse: you'll not confesse
Shal. That he will not, 'tis your fault, 'tis your fault:
'tis a good dogge
M.Pa. A Cur, Sir
Shal. Sir: hee's a good dog, and a faire dog, can there
be more said? he is good, and faire. Is Sir Iohn Falstaffe
heere?
M.Pa. Sir, hee is within: and I would I could doe a
good office betweene you
Euan. It is spoke as a Christians ought to speake
Shal. He hath wrong'd me (Master Page.)
M.Pa. Sir, he doth in some sort confesse it
Shal. If it be confessed, it is not redressed; is not that
so (M[aster]. Page?) he hath wrong'd me, indeed he hath, at a
word he hath: beleeue me, Robert Shallow Esquire, saith
he is wronged
Ma.Pa. Here comes Sir Iohn
Fal. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complaine of me to
the King?
Shal. Knight, you haue beaten my men, kill'd my
deere, and broke open my Lodge
Fal. But not kiss'd your Keepers daughter?
Shal. Tut, a pin: this shall be answer'd
Fal. I will answere it strait, I haue done all this:
That is now answer'd
Shal. The Councell shall know this
Fal. 'Twere better for you if it were known in councell:
you'll be laugh'd at
Eu. Pauca verba; (Sir Iohn) good worts
Fal. Good worts? good Cabidge; Slender, I broke
your head: what matter haue you against me?
Slen. Marry sir, I haue matter in my head against you,
and against your cony-catching Rascalls, Bardolf, Nym,
and Pistoll
Bar. You Banbery Cheese
Slen. I, it is no matter
Pist. How now, Mephostophilus?
Slen. I, it is no matter
Nym. Slice, I say; pauca, pauca: Slice, that's my humor
Slen. Where's Simple my man? can you tell, Cosen?
Eua. Peace, I pray you: now let vs vnderstand: there
is three Vmpires in this matter, as I vnderstand; that is,
Master Page (fidelicet Master Page,) & there is my selfe,
(fidelicet my selfe) and the three party is (lastly, and finally)
mine Host of the Garter
Ma.Pa. We three to hear it, & end it between them
Euan. Ferry goo't, I will make a priefe of it in my
note-booke, and we wil afterwards orke vpon the cause,
with as great discreetly as we can
Fal. Pistoll
Pist. He heares with eares
Euan. The Teuill and his Tam: what phrase is this?
he heares with eare? why, it is affectations
Fal. Pistoll, did you picke M[aster]. Slenders purse?
Slen. I, by these gloues did hee, or I would I might
neuer come in mine owne great chamber againe else, of
seauen groates in mill-sixpences, and two Edward Shouelboords,
that cost me two shilling and two pence a
peece of Yead Miller: by these gloues
Fal. Is this true, Pistoll?
Euan. No, it is false, if it is a picke-purse
Pist. Ha, thou mountaine Forreyner: Sir Iohn, and
Master mine, I combat challenge of this Latine Bilboe:
word of deniall in thy labras here; word of denial; froth,
and scum thou liest
Slen. By these gloues, then 'twas he
Nym. Be auis'd sir, and passe good humours: I will
say marry trap with you, if you runne the nut-hooks humor
on me, that is the very note of it
Slen. By this hat, then he in the red face had it: for
though I cannot remember what I did when you made
me drunke, yet I am not altogether an asse
Fal. What say you Scarlet, and Iohn?
Bar. Why sir, (for my part) I say the Gentleman had
drunke himselfe out of his fiue sentences
Eu. It is his fiue sences: fie, what the ignorance is
Bar. And being fap, sir, was (as they say) casheerd: and
so conclusions past the Careires
Slen. I, you spake in Latten then to: but 'tis no matter;
Ile nere be drunk whilst I liue againe, but in honest,
ciuill, godly company for this tricke: if I be drunke, Ile
be drunke with those that haue the feare of God, and not
with drunken knaues
Euan. So got-udge me, that is a vertuous minde
Fal. You heare all these matters deni'd, Gentlemen;
you heare it
Mr.Page. Nay daughter, carry the wine in, wee'll
drinke within
Slen. Oh heauen: This is Mistresse Anne Page
Mr.Page. How now Mistris Ford?
Fal. Mistris Ford, by my troth you are very wel met:
by your leaue good Mistris
Mr.Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome: come,
we haue a hot Venison pasty to dinner; Come gentlemen,
I hope we shall drinke downe all vnkindnesse
Slen. I had rather then forty shillings I had my booke
of Songs and Sonnets heere: How now Simple, where
haue you beene? I must wait on my selfe, must I? you
haue not the booke of Riddles about you, haue you?
Sim. Booke of Riddles? why did you not lend it to
Alice Short-cake vpon Alhallowmas last, a fortnight afore
Michaelmas
Shal. Come Coz, come Coz, we stay for you: a word
with you Coz: marry this, Coz: there is as 'twere a tender,
a kinde of tender, made a farre-off by Sir Hugh here:
doe you vnderstand me?
Slen. I Sir, you shall finde me reasonable; if it be so,
I shall doe that that is reason
Shal. Nay, but vnderstand me
Slen. So I doe Sir
Euan. Giue eare to his motions; (Mr. Slender) I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it
Slen. Nay, I will doe as my Cozen Shallow saies: I
pray you pardon me, he's a Iustice of Peace in his Countrie,
simple though I stand here
Euan. But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage
Shal. I, there's the point Sir
Eu. Marry is it: the very point of it, to Mi[stris]. An Page
Slen. Why if it be so; I will marry her vpon any reasonable
demands
Eu. But can you affection the 'oman, let vs command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips: for diuers
Philosophers hold, that the lips is parcell of the mouth:
therfore precisely, ca[n] you carry your good wil to y maid?
Sh. Cosen Abraham Slender, can you loue her?
Slen. I hope sir, I will do as it shall become one that
would doe reason
Eu. Nay, got's Lords, and his Ladies, you must speake
possitable, if you can carry-her your desires towards her
Shal. That you must:
Will you, (vpon good dowry) marry her?
Slen. I will doe a greater thing then that, vpon your
request (Cosen) in any reason
Shal. Nay conceiue me, conceiue mee, (sweet Coz):
What I doe is to pleasure you (Coz:) can you loue the
maid?
Slen. I will marry her (Sir) at your request; but if
there bee no great loue in the beginning, yet Heauen
may decrease it vpon better acquaintance, when wee
are married, and haue more occasion to know one another:
I hope vpon familiarity will grow more content:
but if you say mary-her, I will mary-her, that I am freely
dissolued, and dissolutely
Eu. It is a fery discretion-answere; saue the fall is in
the 'ord, dissolutely: the ort is (according to our meaning)
resolutely: his meaning is good
Sh. I: I thinke my Cosen meant well
Sl. I, or else I would I might be hang'd (la.)
Sh. Here comes faire Mistris Anne; would I were
yong for your sake, Mistris Anne
An. The dinner is on the Table, my Father desires
your worships company
Sh. I will wait on him, (faire Mistris Anne.)
Eu. Od's plessed-wil: I wil not be abse[n]ce at the grace
An. Wil't please your worship to come in, Sir?
Sl. No, I thank you forsooth, hartely; I am very well
An. The dinner attends you, Sir
Sl. I am not a-hungry, I thanke you, forsooth: goe,
Sirha, for all you are my man, goe wait vpon my Cosen
Shallow: a Iustice of peace sometime may be beholding
to his friend, for a Man; I keepe but three Men, and a
Boy yet, till my Mother be dead: but what though, yet
I liue like a poore Gentleman borne
An. I may not goe in without your worship: they
will not sit till you come
Sl. I' faith, ile eate nothing: I thanke you as much as
though I did
An. I pray you Sir walke in
Sl. I had rather walke here (I thanke you) I bruiz'd
my shin th' other day, with playing at Sword and Dagger
with a Master of Fence (three veneys for a dish of
stew'd Prunes) and by my troth, I cannot abide the smell
of hot meate since. Why doe your dogs barke so? be
there Beares ith' Towne?
An. I thinke there are, Sir, I heard them talk'd of
Sl. I loue the sport well, but I shall as soone quarrell
at it, as any man in England: you are afraid if you see the
Beare loose, are you not?
An. I indeede Sir
Sl. That's meate and drinke to me now: I haue seene
Saskerson loose, twenty times, and haue taken him by the
Chaine: but (I warrant you) the women haue so cride
and shrekt at it, that it past: But women indeede, cannot
abide 'em, they are very ill-fauour'd rough things
Ma.Pa. Come, gentle M[aster]. Slender, come; we stay for you
Sl. Ile eate nothing, I thanke you Sir
Ma.Pa. By cocke and pie, you shall not choose, Sir:
come, come
Sl. Nay, pray you lead the way
Ma.Pa. Come on, Sir
Sl. Mistris Anne: your selfe shall goe first
An. Not I Sir, pray you keepe on
Sl. Truely I will not goe first: truely-la: I will not
doe you that wrong
An. I pray you Sir
Sl. Ile rather be vnmannerly, then troublesome: you
doe your selfe wrong indeede-la.
Exeunt.
Scena Secunda.
Enter Euans, and Simple.
Eu. Go your waies, and aske of Doctor Caius house,
which is the way; and there dwels one Mistris Quickly;
which is in the manner of his Nurse; or his dry-Nurse; or
his Cooke; or his Laundry; his Washer, and his Ringer
Si. Well Sir
Eu. Nay, it is petter yet: giue her this letter; for it is
a 'oman that altogeathers acquainta[n]ce with Mistris Anne
Page; and the Letter is to desire, and require her to solicite
your Masters desires, to Mistris Anne Page: I pray
you be gon: I will make an end of my dinner; ther's Pippins
and Cheese to come.
Exeunt.
Scena Tertia.
Enter Falstaffe, Host, Bardolfe, Nym, Pistoll, Page.
Fal. Mine Host of the Garter?
Ho. What saies my Bully Rooke? speake schollerly,
and wisely
Fal. Truely mine Host; I must turne away some of my
followers
Ho. Discard, (bully Hercules) casheere; let them wag;
trot, trot
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a weeke
Ho. Thou'rt an Emperor (Cesar, Keiser and Pheazar)
I will entertaine Bardolfe: he shall draw; he shall tap; said
I well (bully Hector?)
Fa. Doe so (good mine Host.)
Ho. I haue spoke; let him follow; let me see thee froth,
and liue: I am at a word: follow
Fal. Bardolfe, follow him: a Tapster is a good trade:
an old Cloake, makes a new Ierkin: a wither'd Seruingman,
a fresh Tapster: goe, adew
Ba. It is a life that I haue desir'd: I will thriue
Pist. O base hungarian wight: wilt y the spigot wield
Ni. He was gotten in drink: is not the humor co[n]ceited?
Fal. I am glad I am so acquit of this Tinderbox: his
Thefts were too open: his filching was like an vnskilfull
Singer, he kept not time
Ni. The good humor is to steale at a minutes rest
Pist. Conuay: the wise it call: Steale? foh: a fico for
the phrase
Fal. Well sirs, I am almost out at heeles
Pist. Why then let Kibes ensue
Fal. There is no remedy: I must conicatch, I must shift
Pist. Yong Rauens must haue foode
Fal. Which of you know Ford of this Towne?
Pist. I ken the wight: he is of substance good
Fal. My honest Lads, I will tell you what I am about
Pist. Two yards, and more
Fal. No quips now Pistoll: (Indeede I am in the waste
two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about
thrift) briefely: I doe meane to make loue to Fords
wife: I spie entertainment in her: shee discourses: shee
carues: she giues the leere of inuitation: I can construe
the action of her familier stile, & the hardest voice of her
behauior (to be english'd rightly) is, I am Sir Iohn Falstafs
Pist. He hath studied her will; and translated her will:
out of honesty, into English
Ni. The Anchor is deepe: will that humor passe?
Fal. Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her
husbands Purse: he hath a legend of Angels
Pist. As many diuels entertaine: and to her Boy say I
Ni. The humor rises: it is good: humor me the angels
Fal. I haue writ me here a letter to her: & here another
to Pages wife, who euen now gaue mee good eyes
too; examind my parts with most iudicious illiads: sometimes
the beame of her view, guilded my foote: sometimes
my portly belly
Pist. Then did the Sun on dung-hill shine
Ni. I thanke thee for that humour
Fal. O she did so course o're my exteriors with such
a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye, did seeme
to scorch me vp like a burning-glasse: here's another
letter to her: She beares the Purse too: She is a Region
in Guiana: all gold, and bountie: I will be Cheaters to
them both, and they shall be Exchequers to mee: they
shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to
them both: Goe, beare thou this Letter to Mistris Page;
and thou this to Mistris Ford: we will thriue (Lads) we
will thriue
Pist. Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side weare Steele? then Lucifer take all
Ni. I will run no base humor: here take the humor-Letter;
I will keepe the hauior of reputation
Fal. Hold Sirha, beare you these Letters tightly,
Saile like my Pinnasse to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, auaunt, vanish like haile-stones; goe,
Trudge; plod away ith' hoofe: seeke shelter, packe:
Falstaffe will learne the honor of the age,
French-thrift, you Rogues, my selfe, and skirted Page
Pist. Let Vultures gripe thy guts: for gourd, and
Fullam holds: & high and low beguiles the rich & poore,
Tester ile haue in pouch when thou shalt lacke,
Base Phrygian Turke
Ni. I haue opperations,
Which be humors of reuenge
Pist. Wilt thou reuenge?
Ni. By Welkin, and her Star
Pist. With wit, or Steele?
Ni. With both the humors, I:
I will discusse the humour of this Loue to Ford
Pist. And I to Page shall eke vnfold
How Falstaffe (varlet vile)
His Doue will proue; his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile
Ni. My humour shall not coole: I will incense Ford
to deale with poyson: I will possesse him with yallownesse,
for the reuolt of mine is dangerous: that is my
true humour
Pist. Thou art the Mars of Malecontents: I second
thee: troope on.
Exeunt.
Scoena Quarta.
Enter Mistris Quickly, Simple, Iohn Rugby, Doctor, Caius, Fenton.
Qu. What, Iohn Rugby, I pray thee goe to the Casement,
and see if you can see my Master, Master Docter
Caius comming: if he doe (I' faith) and finde any body
in the house; here will be an old abusing of Gods patience,
and the Kings English
Ru. Ile goe watch
Qu. Goe, and we'll haue a posset for't soone at night,
(in faith) at the latter end of a Sea-cole-fire: An honest,
willing, kinde fellow, as euer seruant shall come in house
withall: and I warrant you, no tel-tale, nor no breedebate:
his worst fault is, that he is giuen to prayer; hee is
something peeuish that way: but no body but has his
fault: but let that passe. Peter Simple, you say your
name is?
Si. I: for fault of a better
Qu. And Master Slender's your Master?
Si. I forsooth
Qu. Do's he not weare a great round Beard, like a
Glouers pairing-knife?
Si. No forsooth: he hath but a little wee-face; with
a little yellow Beard: a Caine colourd Beard
Qu. A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
Si. I forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands, as
any is betweene this and his head: he hath fought with
a Warrener
Qu. How say you: oh, I should remember him: do's
he not hold vp his head (as it were?) and strut in his gate?
Si. Yes indeede do's he
Qu. Well, heauen send Anne Page, no worse fortune:
Tell Master Parson Euans, I will doe what I can for your
Master: Anne is a good girle, and I wish -
Ru. Out alas: here comes my Master
Qu. We shall all be shent: Run in here, good young
man: goe into this Closset: he will not stay long: what
Iohn Rugby? Iohn: what Iohn I say? goe Iohn, goe enquire
for my Master, I doubt he be not well, that hee
comes not home: (and downe, downe, adowne'a. &c
Ca. Vat is you sing? I doe not like des-toyes: pray
you goe and vetch me in my Closset, vnboyteere verd;
a Box, a greene-a-Box: do intend vat I speake? a greene-a-Box
Qu. I forsooth ile fetch it you:
I am glad hee went not in himselfe: if he had found the
yong man he would haue bin horne-mad
Ca. Fe, fe, fe, fe, mai foy, il fait for ehando, Ie man voi a le
Court la grand affaires
Qu. Is it this Sir?
Ca. Ouy mette le au mon pocket, depeech quickly:
Vere is dat knaue Rugby?
Qu. What Iohn Rugby, Iohn?
Ru. Here Sir
Ca. You are Iohn Rugby, and you are Iacke Rugby:
Come, take-a-your Rapier, and come after my heele to
the Court
Ru. 'Tis ready Sir, here in the Porch
Ca. By my trot: I tarry too long: od's-me: que ay ie
oublie: dere is some Simples in my Closset, dat I vill not
for the varld I shall leaue behinde
Qu. Ay-me, he'll finde the yong man there, & be mad
Ca. O Diable, Diable: vat is in my Closset?
Villanie, Laroone: Rugby, my Rapier
Qu. Good Master be content
Ca. Wherefore shall I be content-a?
Qu. The yong man is an honest man
Ca. What shall de honest man do in my Closset: dere
is no honest man dat shall come in my Closset
Qu. I beseech you be not so flegmaticke: heare the
truth of it. He came of an errand to mee, from Parson
Hugh
Ca. Vell
Si. I forsooth: to desire her to -
Qu. Peace, I pray you
Ca. Peace-a-your tongue: speake-a-your Tale
Si. To desire this honest Gentlewoman (your Maid)
to speake a good word to Mistris Anne Page, for my Master
in the way of Marriage
Qu. This is all indeede-la: but ile nere put my finger
in the fire, and neede not
Ca. Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, ballow mee some
paper: tarry you a littell-a-while
Qui. I am glad he is so quiet: if he had bin throughly
moued, you should haue heard him so loud, and so melancholly:
but notwithstanding man, Ile doe yoe your
Master what good I can: and the very yea, & the no is, y
French Doctor my Master, (I may call him my Master,
looke you, for I keepe his house; and I wash, ring, brew,
bake, scowre, dresse meat and drinke, make the beds, and
doe all my selfe.)
Simp. 'Tis a great charge to come vnder one bodies
hand
Qui. Are you auis'd o'that? you shall finde it a great
charge: and to be vp early, and down late: but notwithstanding,
(to tell you in your eare, I wold haue no words
of it) my Master himselfe is in loue with Mistris Anne
Page: but notwithstanding that I know Ans mind, that's
neither heere nor there
Caius. You, Iack'Nape: giue-'a this Letter to Sir
Hugh, by gar it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de
Parke, and I will teach a scuruy Iackanape Priest to
meddle, or make:- you may be gon: it is not good
you tarry here: by gar I will cut all his two stones: by
gar, he shall not haue a stone to throw at his dogge
Qui. Alas: he speakes but for his friend
Caius. It is no matter 'a ver dat: do not you tell-a-me
dat I shall haue Anne Page for my selfe? by gar, I vill
kill de Iack-Priest: and I haue appointed mine Host of
de Iarteer to measure our weapon: by gar, I wil my selfe
haue Anne Page
Qui. Sir, the maid loues you, and all shall bee well:
We must giue folkes leaue to prate: what the goodier
Caius. Rugby, come to the Court with me: by gar, if
I haue not Anne Page, I shall turne your head out of my
dore: follow my heeles, Rugby
Qui. You shall haue An-fooles head of your owne:
No, I know Ans mind for that: neuer a woman in Windsor
knowes more of Ans minde then I doe, nor can doe
more then I doe with her, I thanke heauen
Fenton. Who's with in there, hoa?
Qui. Who's there, I troa? Come neere the house I
pray you
Fen. How now (good woman) how dost thou?
Qui. The better that it pleases your good Worship
to aske?
Fen. What newes? how do's pretty Mistris Anne?
Qui. In truth Sir, and shee is pretty, and honest, and
gentle, and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by
the way, I praise heauen for it
Fen. Shall I doe any good thinkst thou? shall I not
loose my suit?
Qui. Troth Sir, all is in his hands aboue: but notwithstanding
(Master Fenton) Ile be sworne on a booke
shee loues you: haue not your Worship a wart aboue
your eye?
Fen. Yes marry haue I, what of that?
Qui. Wel, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; (but (I detest) an honest maid as euer
broke bread: wee had an howres talke of that wart; I
shall neuer laugh but in that maids company: but (indeed)
shee is giuen too much to Allicholy and musing:
but for you - well - goe too -
Fen. Well: I shall see her to day: hold, there's money
for thee: Let mee haue thy voice in my behalfe: if
thou seest her before me, commend me. -
Qui. Will I? I faith that wee will: And I will tell
your Worship more of the Wart, the next time we haue
confidence, and of other wooers
Fen. Well, fare-well, I am in great haste now
Qui. Fare-well to your Worship: truely an honest
Gentleman: but Anne loues him not: for I know Ans
minde as well as another do's: out vpon't: what haue I
forgot.
Enter.
Actus Secundus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, Master Page, Master Ford,
Pistoll, Nim,
Quickly, Host, Shallow.
Mist.Page. What, haue scap'd Loue-letters in the
holly-day-time of my beauty, and am I now a subiect
for them? let me see?
Aske me no reason why I loue you, for though Loue vse Reason
for his precisian, hee admits him not for his Counsailour:
you are not yong, no more am I: goe to then, there's simpathie:
you are merry, so am I: ha, ha, then there's more simpathie:
you loue sacke, and so do I: would you desire better simpathie?
Let it suffice thee (Mistris Page) at the least if the Loue of
Souldier can suffice, that I loue thee: I will not say pitty mee,
'tis not a Souldier-like phrase; but I say, loue me:
By me, thine owne true Knight, by day or night:
Or any kinde of light, with all his might,
For thee to fight. Iohn Falstaffe.
What a Herod of Iurie is this? O wicked, wicked world:
One that is well-nye worne to peeces with age
To show himselfe a yong Gallant? What an vnwaied
Behauiour hath this Flemish drunkard pickt (with
The Deuills name) out of my conuersation, that he dares
In this manner assay me? why, hee hath not beene thrice
In my Company: what should I say to him? I was then
Frugall of my mirth: (heauen forgiue mee:) why Ile
Exhibit a Bill in the Parliament for the putting downe
of men: how shall I be reueng'd on him? for reueng'd I
will be? as sure as his guts are made of puddings
Mis.Ford. Mistris Page, trust me, I was going to your
house
Mis.Page. And trust me, I was comming to you: you
looke very ill
Mis.Ford. Nay Ile nere beleeue that; I haue to shew
to the contrary
Mis.Page. 'Faith but you doe in my minde
Mis.Ford. Well: I doe then: yet I say, I could shew
you to the contrary: O Mistris Page, giue mee some
counsaile
Mis.Page. What's the matter, woman?
Mi.Ford. O woman: if it were not for one trifling respect,
I could come to such honour
Mi.Page. Hang the trifle (woman) take the honour:
what is it? dispence with trifles: what is it?
Mi.Ford. If I would but goe to hell, for an eternall
moment, or so: I could be knighted
Mi.Page. What thou liest? Sir Alice Ford? these
Knights will hacke, and so thou shouldst not alter the article
of thy Gentry
Mi.Ford. Wee burne day-light: heere, read, read:
perceiue how I might bee knighted, I shall thinke the
worse of fat men, as long as I haue an eye to make difference
of mens liking: and yet hee would not sweare:
praise womens modesty: and gaue such orderly and welbehaued
reproofe to al vncomelinesse, that I would haue
sworne his disposition would haue gone to the truth of
his words: but they doe no more adhere and keep place
together, then the hundred Psalms to the tune of Greensleeues:
What tempest (I troa) threw this Whale, (with
so many Tuns of oyle in his belly) a'shoare at Windsor?
How shall I bee reuenged on him? I thinke the best way
were, to entertaine him with hope, till the wicked fire
of lust haue melted him in his owne greace: Did you euer
heare the like?
Mis.Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of
Page and Ford differs: to thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, heere's the twyn-brother of thy Letter:
but let thine inherit first, for I protest mine neuer
shall: I warrant he hath a thousand of these Letters, writ
with blancke-space for different names (sure more): and
these are of the second edition: hee will print them out
of doubt: for he cares not what hee puts into the presse,
when he would put vs two: I had rather be a Giantesse,
and lye vnder Mount Pelion: Well; I will find you twentie
lasciuious Turtles ere one chaste man
Mis.Ford. Why this is the very same: the very hand:
the very words: what doth he thinke of vs?
Mis.Page. Nay I know not: it makes me almost readie
to wrangle with mine owne honesty: Ile entertaine
my selfe like one that I am not acquainted withall: for
sure vnlesse hee know some straine in mee, that I know
not my selfe, hee would neuer haue boorded me in this
furie
Mi.Ford. Boording, call you it? Ile bee sure to keepe
him aboue decke
Mi.Page. So will I: if hee come vnder my hatches,
Ile neuer to Sea againe: Let's bee reueng'd on him: let's
appoint him a meeting: giue him a show of comfort in
his Suit, and lead him on with a fine baited delay, till hee
hath pawn'd his horses to mine Host of the Garter
Mi.Ford. Nay, I wil consent to act any villany against
him, that may not sully the charinesse of our honesty: oh
that my husband saw this Letter: it would giue eternall
food to his iealousie
Mis.Page. Why look where he comes; and my good
man too: hee's as farre from iealousie, as I am from giuing
him cause, and that (I hope) is an vnmeasurable distance
Mis.Ford. You are the happier woman
Mis.Page. Let's consult together against this greasie
Knight: Come hither
Ford. Well: I hope, it be not so
Pist. Hope is a curtall-dog in some affaires:
Sir Iohn affects thy wife
Ford. Why sir, my wife is not young
Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich & poor,
both yong and old, one with another (Ford) he loues the
Gally-mawfry (Ford) perpend
Ford. Loue my wife?
Pist. With liuer, burning hot: preuent:
Or goe thou like Sir Acteon he, with
Ring-wood at thy heeles: O, odious is the name
Ford. What name Sir?
Pist. The horne I say: Farewell:
Take heed, haue open eye, for theeues doe foot by night.
Take heed, ere sommer comes, or Cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away sir Corporall Nim:
Beleeue it (Page) he speakes sence
Ford. I will be patient: I will find out this
Nim. And this is true: I like not the humor of lying:
hee hath wronged mee in some humors: I should haue
borne the humour'd Letter to her: but I haue a sword:
and it shall bite vpon my necessitie: he loues your wife;
There's the short and the long: My name is Corporall
Nim: I speak, and I auouch; 'tis true: my name is Nim:
and Falstaffe loues your wife: adieu, I loue not the humour
of bread and cheese: adieu
Page. The humour of it (quoth 'a?) heere's a fellow
frights English out of his wits
Ford. I will seeke out Falstaffe
Page. I neuer heard such a drawling-affecting rogue
Ford. If I doe finde it: well
Page. I will not beleeue such a Cataian, though the
Priest o' th' Towne commended him for a true man
Ford. 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well
Page. How now Meg?
Mist.Page. Whether goe you (George?) harke you
Mis.Ford. How now (sweet Frank) why art thou melancholy?
Ford. I melancholy? I am not melancholy:
Get you home: goe
Mis.Ford. Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head,
Now: will you goe, Mistris Page?
Mis.Page. Haue with you: you'll come to dinner
George? Looke who comes yonder: shee shall bee our
Messenger to this paltrie Knight
Mis.Ford. Trust me, I thought on her: shee'll fit it
Mis.Page. You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Qui. I forsooth: and I pray how do's good Mistresse
Anne?
Mis.Page. Go in with vs and see: we haue an houres
talke with you
Page. How now Master Ford?
For. You heard what this knaue told me, did you not?
Page. Yes, and you heard what the other told me?
Ford. Doe you thinke there is truth in them?
Pag. Hang 'em slaues: I doe not thinke the Knight
would offer it: But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wiues, are a yoake of his discarded men: very
rogues, now they be out of seruice
Ford. Were they his men?
Page. Marry were they
Ford. I like it neuer the beter for that,
Do's he lye at the Garter?
Page. I marry do's he: if hee should intend this voyage
toward my wife, I would turne her loose to him;
and what hee gets more of her, then sharpe words, let it
lye on my head
Ford. I doe not misdoubt my wife: but I would bee
loath to turne them together: a man may be too confident:
I would haue nothing lye on my head: I cannot
be thus satisfied
Page. Looke where my ranting-Host of the Garter
comes: there is eyther liquor in his pate, or mony in his
purse, when hee lookes so merrily: How now mine
Host?
Host. How now Bully-Rooke: thou'rt a Gentleman
Caueleiro Iustice, I say
Shal. I follow, (mine Host) I follow: Good-euen,
and twenty (good Master Page.) Master Page, wil you go
with vs? we haue sport in hand
Host. Tell him Caueleiro-Iustice: tell him Bully-Rooke
Shall. Sir, there is a fray to be fought, betweene Sir
Hugh the Welch Priest, and Caius the French Doctor
Ford. Good mine Host o'th' Garter: a word with you
Host. What saist thou, my Bully-Rooke?
Shal. Will you goe with vs to behold it? My merry
Host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and (I
thinke) hath appointed them contrary places: for (beleeue
mee) I heare the Parson is no Iester: harke, I will
tell you what our sport shall be
Host. Hast thou no suit against my Knight? my guest-Caualeire?
Shal. None, I protest: but Ile giue you a pottle of
burn'd sacke, to giue me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Broome: onely for a iest
Host. My hand, (Bully:) thou shalt haue egresse and
regresse, (said I well?) and thy name shall be Broome. It
is a merry Knight: will you goe An-heires?
Shal. Haue with you mine Host
Page. I haue heard the French-man hath good skill
in his Rapier
Shal. Tut sir: I could haue told you more: In these
times you stand on distance: your Passes, Stoccado's, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart (Master Page) 'tis heere,
'tis heere: I haue seene the time, with my long-sword, I
would haue made you fowre tall fellowes skippe like
Rattes
Host. Heere boyes, heere, heere: shall we wag?
Page. Haue with you: I had rather heare them scold,
then fight
Ford. Though Page be a secure foole, and stands so
firmely on his wiues frailty; yet, I cannot put-off my opinion
so easily: she was in his company at Pages house:
and what they made there, I know not. Well, I wil looke
further into't, and I haue a disguise, to sound Falstaffe; if
I finde her honest, I loose not my labor: if she be otherwise,
'tis labour well bestowed.
Exeunt.
Scoena Secunda.
Enter Falstaffe, Pistoll, Robin, Quickly, Bardolffe, Ford.
Fal. I will not lend thee a penny
Pist. Why then the world's mine Oyster, which I,
with sword will open
Fal. Not a penny: I haue beene content (Sir,) you
should lay my countenance to pawne: I haue grated vpon
my good friends for three Repreeues for you, and
your Coach-fellow Nim; or else you had look'd through
the grate, like a Geminy of Baboones: I am damn'd in
hell, for swearing to Gentlemen my friends, you were
good Souldiers, and tall-fellowes. And when Mistresse
Briget lost the handle of her Fan, I took't vpon mine honour
thou hadst it not
Pist. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteene
pence?
Fal. Reason, you roague, reason: thinkst thou Ile endanger
my soule, gratis? at a word, hang no more about
mee, I am no gibbet for you: goe, a short knife, and a
throng, to your Mannor of Pickt-hatch: goe, you'll not
beare a Letter for mee you roague? you stand vpon your
honor: why, (thou vnconfinable basenesse) it is as much
as I can doe to keepe the termes of my honor precise:
I, I, I my selfe sometimes, leauing the feare of heauen on
the left hand, and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am
faine to shufflle: to hedge, and to lurch, and yet, you
Rogue, will en-sconce your raggs; your Cat-a-Mountaine-lookes,
your red-lattice phrases, and your boldbeating-oathes,
vnder the shelter of your honor? you
will not doe it? you?
Pist. I doe relent: what would thou more of man?
Robin. Sir, here's a woman would speake with you
Fal. Let her approach
Qui. Giue your worship good morrow
Fal. Good-morrow, good-wife
Qui. Not so, and't please your worship
Fal. Good maid then
Qui. Ile be sworne,
As my mother was the first houre I was borne
Fal. I doe beleeue the swearer; what with me?
Qui. Shall I vouch-safe your worship a word, or
two?
Fal. Two thousand (faire woman) and ile vouchsafe
thee the hearing
Qui. There is one Mistresse Ford, (Sir) I pray come a
little neerer this waies: I my selfe dwell with M[aster]. Doctor
Caius:
Fal. Well, on; Mistresse Ford, you say
Qui. Your worship saies very true: I pray your worship
come a little neerer this waies
Fal. I warrant thee, no-bodie heares: mine owne
people, mine owne people
Qui. Are they so? heauen-blesse them, and make
them his Seruants
Fal. Well; Mistresse Ford, what of her?
Qui. Why, Sir; shee's a good-creature; Lord, Lord,
your Worship's a wanton: well: heauen forgiue you,
and all of vs, I pray -
Fal. Mistresse Ford: come, Mistresse Ford
Qui. Marry this is the short, and the long of it: you
haue brought her into such a Canaries, as 'tis wonderfull:
the best Courtier of them all (when the Court lay
at Windsor) could neuer haue brought her to such a Canarie:
yet there has beene Knights, and Lords, and Gentlemen,
with their Coaches; I warrant you Coach after
Coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly;
all Muske, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silke
and golde, and in such alligant termes, and in such wine
and suger of the best, and the fairest, that would haue
wonne any womans heart: and I warrant you, they could
neuer get an eye-winke of her: I had my selfe twentie
Angels giuen me this morning, but I defie all Angels (in
any such sort, as they say) but in the way of honesty: and
I warrant you, they could neuer get her so much as sippe
on a cup with the prowdest of them all, and yet there has
beene Earles: nay, (which is more) Pentioners, but I
warrant you all is one with her
Fal. But what saies shee to mee? be briefe my good
sheeMercurie
Qui. Marry, she hath receiu'd your Letter: for the
which she thankes you a thousand times; and she giues
you to notifie, that her husband will be absence from his
house, betweene ten and eleuen
Fal. Ten, and eleuen
Qui. I, forsooth: and then you may come and see the
picture (she sayes) that you wot of: Master Ford her husband
will be from home: alas, the sweet woman leades
an ill life with him: hee's a very iealousie-man; she leads
a very frampold life with him, (good hart.)
Fal. Ten, and eleuen.
Woman, commend me to her, I will not faile her
Qui. Why, you say well: But I haue another messenger
to your worship: Mistresse Page hath her heartie
commendations to you to: and let mee tell you in your
eare, shee's as fartuous a ciuill modest wife, and one (I
tell you) that will not misse you morning nor euening
prayer, as any is in Windsor, who ere bee the other: and
shee bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldome
from home, but she hopes there will come a time.
I neuer knew a woman so doate vpon a man; surely I
thinke you haue charmes, la: yes in truth
Fal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my
good parts aside, I haue no other charmes
Qui. Blessing on your heart for't
Fal. But I pray thee tell me this: has Fords wife, and
Pages wife acquainted each other, how they loue me?
Qui. That were a iest indeed: they haue not so little
grace I hope, that were a tricke indeed: But Mistris Page
would desire you to send her your little Page of al loues:
her husband has a maruellous infectio[n] to the little Page:
and truely Master Page is an honest man: neuer a wife in
Windsor leades a better life then she do's: doe what shee
will, say what she will, take all, pay all, goe to bed when
she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she
deserues it; for if there be a kinde woman in Windsor, she
is one: you must send her your Page, no remedie
Fal. Why, I will
Qu. Nay, but doe so then, and looke you, hee may
come and goe betweene you both: and in any case haue
a nay-word, that you may know one anothers minde,
and the Boy neuer neede to vnderstand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any wickednes:
olde folkes you know, haue discretion, as they say, and
know the world
Fal. Farethee-well, commend mee to them both:
there's my purse, I am yet thy debter: Boy, goe along
with this woman, this newes distracts me
Pist. This Puncke is one of Cupids Carriers,
Clap on more sailes, pursue: vp with your sights:
Giue fire: she is my prize, or Ocean whelme them all
Fal. Saist thou so (old Iacke) go thy waies: Ile make
more of thy olde body then I haue done: will they yet
looke after thee? wilt thou after the expence of so much
money, be now a gainer? good Body, I thanke thee: let
them say 'tis grossely done, so it bee fairely done, no
matter
Bar. Sir Iohn, there's one Master Broome below would
faine speake with you, and be acquainted with you; and
hath sent your worship a mornings draught of Sacke
Fal. Broome is his name?
Bar. I Sir
Fal. Call him in: such Broomes are welcome to mee,
that ore'flowes such liquor: ah ha, Mistresse Ford and Mistresse
Page, haue I encompass'd you? goe to, via
Ford. 'Blesse you sir
Fal. And you sir: would you speake with me?
Ford. I make bold, to presse, with so little preparation
vpon you
Fal. You'r welcome, what's your will? giue vs leaue
Drawer
Ford. Sir, I am a Gentleman that haue spent much,
my name is Broome
Fal. Good Master Broome, I desire more acquaintance
of you
Ford. Good Sir Iohn, I sue for yours: not to charge
you, for I must let you vnderstand, I thinke my selfe in
better plight for a Lender, then you are: the which hath
something emboldned me to this vnseason'd intrusion:
for they say, if money goe before, all waies doe lye
open
Fal. Money is a good Souldier (Sir) and will on
Ford. Troth, and I haue a bag of money heere troubles
me: if you will helpe to beare it (Sir Iohn) take all,
or halfe, for easing me of the carriage
Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserue to bee your
Porter
Ford. I will tell you sir, if you will giue mee the hearing
Fal. Speake (good Master Broome) I shall be glad to
be your Seruant
Ford. Sir, I heare you are a Scholler: (I will be briefe
with you) and you haue been a man long knowne to me,
though I had neuer so good means as desire, to make my
selfe acquainted with you. I shall discouer a thing to
you, wherein I must very much lay open mine owne imperfection:
but (good Sir Iohn) as you haue one eye vpon
my follies, as you heare them vnfolded, turne another
into the Register of your owne, that I may passe with a
reproofe the easier, sith you your selfe know how easie it
is to be such an offender
Fal. Very well Sir, proceed
Ford. There is a Gentlewoman in this Towne, her
husbands name is Ford
Fal. Well Sir
Ford. I haue long lou'd her, and I protest to you, bestowed
much on her: followed her with a doating obseruance:
Ingross'd opportunities to meete her: fee'd euery
slight occasion that could but nigardly giue mee
sight of her: not only bought many presents to giue her,
but haue giuen largely to many, to know what shee
would haue giuen: briefly, I haue pursu'd her, as Loue
hath pursued mee, which hath beene on the wing of all
occasions: but whatsoeuer I haue merited, either in my
minde, or in my meanes, meede I am sure I haue receiued
none, vnlesse Experience be a Iewell, that I haue purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught mee to say
this,
``Loue like a shadow flies, when substance Loue pursues,
``Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues
Fal. Haue you receiu'd no promise of satisfaction at
her hands?
Ford. Neuer
Fal. Haue you importun'd her to such a purpose?
Ford. Neuer
Fal. Of what qualitie was your loue then?
Ford. Like a fair house, built on another mans ground,
so that I haue lost my edifice, by mistaking the place,
where I erected it
Fal. To what purpose haue you vnfolded this to me?
For. When I haue told you that, I haue told you all:
Some say, that though she appeare honest to mee, yet in
other places shee enlargeth her mirth so farre, that there
is shrewd construction made of her. Now (Sir Iohn) here
is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent
breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authenticke in your place and person, generally
allow'd for your many war-like, court-like, and learned
preparations
Fal. O Sir
Ford. Beleeue it, for you know it: there is money,
spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I haue, onely
giue me so much of your time in enchange of it, as to lay
an amiable siege to the honesty of this Fords wife: vse
your Art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any
man may, you may as soone as any
Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection that I should win what you would enioy? Methinkes
you prescribe to your selfe very preposterously
Ford. O, vnderstand my drift: she dwells so securely
on the excellency of her honor, that the folly of my soule
dares not present it selfe: shee is too bright to be look'd
against. Now, could I come to her with any detection
in my hand; my desires had instance and argument to
commend themselues, I could driue her then from the
ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow,
and a thousand other her defences, which now are tootoo
strongly embattaild against me: what say you too't,
Sir Iohn?
Fal. Master Broome, I will first make bold with your
money: next, giue mee your hand: and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enioy Fords wife
Ford. O good Sir
Fal. I say you shall
Ford. Want no money (Sir Iohn) you shall want none
Fal. Want no Mistresse Ford (Master Broome) you shall
want none: I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her
owne appointment, euen as you came in to me, her assistant,
or goe-betweene, parted from me: I say I shall be
with her betweene ten and eleuen: for at that time the
iealious-rascally-knaue her husband will be forth: come
you to me at night, you shall know how I speed
Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance: do you know
Ford Sir?
Fal. Hang him (poore Cuckoldly knaue) I know
him not: yet I wrong him to call him poore: They say
the iealous wittolly-knaue hath masses of money, for
the which his wife seemes to me well-fauourd: I will vse
her as the key of the Cuckoldly-rogues Coffer, & ther's
my haruest-home
Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might auoid
him, if you saw him
Fal. Hang him, mechanicall-salt-butter rogue; I wil
stare him out of his wits: I will awe-him with my cudgell:
it shall hang like a Meteor ore the Cuckolds horns:
Master Broome, thou shalt know, I will predominate ouer
the pezant, and thou shalt lye with his wife. Come
to me soone at night: Ford's a knaue, and I will aggrauate
his stile: thou (Master Broome) shalt know him for
knaue, and Cuckold. Come to me soone at night
Ford. What a damn'd Epicurian-Rascall is this? my
heart is ready to cracke with impatience: who saies this
is improuident iealousie? my wife hath sent to him, the
howre is fixt, the match is made: would any man haue
thought this? see the hell of hauing a false woman: my
bed shall be abus'd, my Coffers ransack'd, my reputation
gnawne at, and I shall not onely receiue this villanous
wrong, but stand vnder the adoption of abhominable
termes, and by him that does mee this wrong: Termes,
names: Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well: Barbason,
well: yet they are Diuels additions, the names of fiends:
But Cuckold, Wittoll, Cuckold? the Diuell himselfe
hath not such a name. Page is an Asse, a secure Asse; hee
will trust his wife, hee will not be iealous: I will rather
trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman
with my Cheese, an Irish-man with my Aqua-vitae-bottle,
or a Theefe to walke my ambling gelding, then
my wife with her selfe. Then she plots, then shee ruminates,
then shee deuises: and what they thinke in their
hearts they may effect; they will breake their hearts but
they will effect. Heauen bee prais'd for my iealousie:
eleuen o' clocke the howre, I will preuent this, detect
my wife, bee reueng'd on Falstaffe, and laugh at Page. I
will about it, better three houres too soone, then a mynute
too late: fie, fie, fie: Cuckold, Cuckold, Cuckold.
Enter.
Scena Tertia.
Enter Caius, Rugby, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host.
Caius. Iacke Rugby
Rug. Sir
Caius. Vat is the clocke, Iack
Rug. 'Tis past the howre (Sir) that Sir Hugh promis'd
to meet
Cai. By gar, he has saue his soule, dat he is no-come:
hee has pray his Pible well, dat he is no-come: by gar
(Iack Rugby) he is dead already, if he be come
Rug. Hee is wise Sir: hee knew your worship would
kill him if he came
Cai. By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill
him: take your Rapier, (Iacke) I vill tell you how I vill
kill him
Rug. Alas sir, I cannot fence
Cai. Villaine, take your Rapier
Rug. Forbeare: heer's company
Host. 'Blesse thee, bully-Doctor
Shal. 'Saue you Mr. Doctor Caius
Page. Now good Mr. Doctor
Slen. 'Giue you good-morrow, sir
Caius. Vat be all you one, two, tree, fowre, come for?
Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foigne, to see thee
trauerse, to see thee heere, to see thee there, to see thee
passe thy puncto, thy stock, thy reuerse, thy distance, thy
montant: Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco?
ha Bully? what saies my Esculapius? my Galien? my
heart of Elder? ha? is he dead bully-Stale? is he dead?
Cai. By gar, he is de Coward-Iack-Priest of de vorld:
he is not show his face
Host. Thou art a Castalion-king-Vrinall: Hector of
Greece (my Boy)
Cai. I pray you beare witnesse, that me haue stay,
sixe or seuen, two tree howres for him, and hee is nocome
Shal. He is the wiser man (M[aster]. Doctor) he is a curer of
soules, and you a curer of bodies: if you should fight, you
goe against the haire of your professions: is it not true,
Master Page?
Page. Master Shallow; you haue your selfe beene a
great fighter, though now a man of peace
Shal. Body-kins M[aster]. Page, though I now be old, and
of the peace; if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one: though wee are Iustices, and Doctors, and
Church-men (M[aster]. Page) wee haue some salt of our youth
in vs, we are the sons of women (M[aster]. Page.)
Page. 'Tis true, Mr. Shallow
Shal. It wil be found so, (M[aster]. Page:) M[aster]. Doctor
Caius,
I am come to fetch you home: I am sworn of the peace:
you haue show'd your selfe a wise Physician, and Sir
Hugh hath showne himselfe a wise and patient Churchman:
you must goe with me, M[aster]. Doctor
Host. Pardon, Guest-Iustice; a Mounseur Mocke-water
Cai. Mock-vater? vat is dat?
Host. Mock-water, in our English tongue, is Valour
(Bully.)
Cai. By gar, then I haue as much Mock-vater as de
Englishman: scuruy-Iack-dog-Priest: by gar, mee vill
cut his eares
Host. He will Clapper-claw thee tightly (Bully.)
Cai. Clapper-de-claw? vat is dat?
Host. That is, he will make thee amends
Cai. By-gar, me doe looke hee shall clapper-de-claw
me, for by-gar, me vill haue it
Host. And I will prouoke him to't, or let him wag
Cai. Me tanck you for dat
Host. And moreouer, (Bully) but first, Mr. Ghuest,
and M[aster]. Page, & eeke Caualeiro Slender, goe you through
the Towne to Frogmore
Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host. He is there, see what humor he is in: and I will
bring the Doctor about by the Fields: will it doe well?
Shal. We will doe it
All. Adieu, good M[aster]. Doctor
Cai. By-gar, me vill kill de Priest, for he speake for a
Iack-an-Ape to Anne Page
Host. Let him die: sheath thy impatience: throw cold
water on thy Choller: goe about the fields with mee
through Frogmore, I will bring thee where Mistris Anne
Page is, at a Farm-house a Feasting: and thou shalt wooe
her: Cride-game, said I well?
Cai. By-gar, mee dancke you vor dat: by gar I loue
you: and I shall procure 'a you de good Guest: de Earle,
de Knight, de Lords, de Gentlemen, my patients
Host. For the which, I will be thy aduersary toward
Anne Page: said I well?
Cai. By-gar, 'tis good: vell said
Host. Let vs wag then
Cai. Come at my heeles, Iack Rugby.
Exeunt.
Actus Tertius. Scoena Prima.
Enter Euans, Simple, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Caius, Rugby.
Euans. I pray you now, good Master Slenders seruingman,
and friend Simple by your name; which way haue
you look'd for Master Caius, that calls himselfe Doctor
of Phisicke
Sim. Marry Sir, the pittie-ward, the Parke-ward:
euery way: olde Windsor way, and euery way but the
Towne-way
Euan. I most fehemently desire you, you will also
looke that way
Sim. I will sir
Euan. 'Plesse my soule: how full of Chollors I am, and
trempling of minde: I shall be glad if he haue deceiued
me: how melancholies I am? I will knog his Vrinalls about
his knaues costard, when I haue good oportunities
for the orke: 'Plesse my soule: To shallow Riuers to whose
falls: melodious Birds sings Madrigalls: There will we make
our Peds of Roses: and a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow:
'Mercie on mee, I haue a great dispositions to cry.
Melodious birds sing Madrigalls: - When as I sat in Pabilon:
and a thousand vagram Posies. To shallow, &c
Sim. Yonder he is comming, this way, Sir Hugh
Euan. Hee's welcome: To shallow Riuers, to whose fals:
Heauen prosper the right: what weapons is he?
Sim. No weapons, Sir: there comes my Master, Mr.
Shallow, and another Gentleman; from Frogmore, ouer
the stile, this way
Euan. Pray you giue mee my gowne, or else keepe it
in your armes
Shal. How now Master Parson? good morrow good
Sir Hugh: keepe a Gamester from the dice, and a good
Studient from his booke, and it is wonderfull
Slen. Ah sweet Anne Page
Page. 'Saue you, good Sir Hugh
Euan. 'Plesse you from his mercy-sake, all of you
Shal. What? the Sword, and the Word?
Doe you study them both, Mr. Parson?
Page. And youthfull still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw-rumaticke day?
Euan. There is reasons, and causes for it
Page. We are come to you, to doe a good office, Mr.
Parson
Euan. Fery-well: what is it?
Page. Yonder is a most reuerend Gentleman; who
(be-like) hauing receiued wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his owne grauity and patience, that euer
you saw
Shal. I haue liued foure-score yeeres, and vpward: I
neuer heard a man of his place, grauity, and learning, so
wide of his owne respect
Euan. What is he?
Page. I thinke you know him: Mr. Doctor Caius the
renowned French Physician
Euan. Got's-will, and his passion of my heart: I had
as lief you would tell me of a messe of porredge
Page. Why?
Euan. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen , and hee is a knaue besides: a cowardly knaue, as
you would desires to be acquainted withall
Page. I warrant you, hee's the man should fight with
him
Slen. O sweet Anne Page
Shal. It appeares so by his weapons: keepe them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius
Page. Nay good Mr. Parson, keepe in your weapon
Shal. So doe you, good Mr. Doctor
Host. Disarme them, and let them question: let them
keepe their limbs whole, and hack our English
Cai. I pray you let-a-mee speake a word with your
eare; vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Euan. Pray you vse your patience in good time
Cai. By-gar, you are de Coward: de Iack dog: Iohn
Ape
Euan. Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other
mens humors: I desire you in friendship, and I will one
way or other make you amends: I will knog your Vrinal
about your knaues Cogs-combe
Cai. Diable: Iack Rugby: mine Host de Iarteer: haue I
not stay for him, to kill him? haue I not at de place I did
appoint?
Euan. As I am a Christians-soule, now looke you:
this is the place appointed, Ile bee iudgement by mine
Host of the Garter
Host. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaule, French & Welch,
Soule-Curer, and Body-Curer
Cai. I, dat is very good, excellant
Host. Peace, I say: heare mine Host of the Garter,
Am I politicke? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiuell?
Shall I loose my Doctor? No, hee giues me the Potions
and the Motions. Shall I loose my Parson? my Priest?
my Sir Hugh? No, he giues me the Prouerbes, and the
No-verbes. Giue me thy hand (Celestiall) so: Boyes of
Art, I haue deceiu'd you both: I haue directed you to
wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skinnes are
whole, and let burn'd Sacke be the issue: Come, lay their
swords to pawne: Follow me, Lad of peace, follow, follow,
follow
Shal. Trust me, a mad Host: follow Gentlemen, follow
Slen. O sweet Anne Page
Cai. Ha' do I perceiue dat? Haue you make-a-de-sot
of vs, ha, ha?
Eua. This is well, he has made vs his vlowting-stog:
I desire you that we may be friends: and let vs knog our
praines together to be reuenge on this same scall
scuruy-cogging-companion
the Host of the Garter
Cai. By gar, with all my heart: he promise to bring
me where is Anne Page: by gar he deceiue me too
Euan. Well, I will smite his noddles: pray you follow.
Scena Secunda.
Mist.Page, Robin, Ford, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Euans,
Caius.
Mist.Page. Nay keepe your way (little Gallant) you
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a Leader:
whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your masters
heeles?
Rob. I had rather (forsooth) go before you like a man,
then follow him like a dwarfe
M.Pa. O you are a flattering boy, now I see you'l be a
(Courtier
Ford. Well met mistris Page, whether go you
M.Pa. Truly Sir, to see your wife, is she at home?
Ford. I, and as idle as she may hang together for want
of company: I thinke if your husbands were dead, you
two would marry
M.Pa. Be sure of that, two other husbands
Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-cocke?
M.Pa. I cannot tell what (the dickens) his name is my
husband had him of, what do you cal your Knights name sirrah?
Rob. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
Ford. Sir Iohn Falstaffe
M.Pa. He, he, I can neuer hit on's name; there is such a
league betweene my goodman, and he: is your Wife at home
indeed?
Ford. Indeed she is
M.Pa. By your leaue sir, I am sicke till I see her
Ford. Has Page any braines? Hath he any eies? Hath he
any thinking? Sure they sleepe, he hath no vse of them:
why this boy will carrie a letter twentie mile as easie, as
a Canon will shoot point-blanke twelue score: hee peeces
out his wiues inclination: he giues her folly motion
and aduantage: and now she's going to my wife, & Falstaffes
boy with her: A man may heare this showre sing
in the winde; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots,
they are laide, and our reuolted wiues share damnation
together. Well, I will take him, then torture my wife,
plucke the borrowed vaile of modestie from the so-seeming
Mist[ris]. Page, divulge Page himselfe for a secure and
wilfull Acteon, and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbors shall cry aime. The clocke giues me my Qu,
and my assurance bids me search, there I shall finde Falstaffe:
I shall be rather praisd for this, then mock'd, for
it is as possitiue, as the earth is firme, that Falstaffe is
there: I will go
Shal. Page, &c. Well met Mr Ford
Ford. Trust me, a good knotte; I haue good cheere at
home, and I pray you all go with me
Shal. I must excuse my selfe Mr Ford
Slen. And so must I Sir,
We haue appointed to dine with Mistris Anne,
And I would not breake with her for more mony
Then Ile speake of
Shal. We haue linger'd about a match betweene An
Page, and my cozen Slender, and this day wee shall haue
our answer
Slen. I hope I haue your good will Father Page
Pag. You haue Mr Slender, I stand wholly for you,
But my wife (Mr Doctor) is for you altogether
Cai. I be-gar, and de Maid is loue-a-me: my nursh-a-Quickly
tell me so mush
Host. What say you to yong Mr Fenton? He capers,
he dances, he has eies of youth: he writes verses, hee
speakes holliday, he smels April and May, he wil carry't,
he will carry't, 'tis in his buttons, he will carry't
Page. Not by my consent I promise you. The Gentleman
is of no hauing, hee kept companie with the wilde
Prince, and Pointz: he is of too high a Region, he knows
too much: no, hee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes,
with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him
take her simply: the wealth I haue waits on my consent,
and my consent goes not that way
Ford. I beseech you heartily, some of you goe home
with me to dinner: besides your cheere you shall haue
sport, I will shew you a monster: Mr Doctor, you shal
go, so shall you Mr Page, and you Sir Hugh
Shal. Well, fare you well:
We shall haue the freer woing at Mr Pages
Cai. Go home Iohn Rugby, I come anon
Host. Farewell my hearts, I will to my honest Knight
Falstaffe, and drinke Canarie with him
Ford. I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with
him, Ile make him dance. Will you go Gentles?
All. Haue with you, to see this Monster.
Scena Tertia.
Enter M.Ford, M.Page, Seruants, Robin, Falstaffe, Ford, Page,
Caius,
Euans.
Mist.Ford. What Iohn, what Robert
M.Page. Quickly, quickly: Is the Buck-basket -
Mis.Ford. I warrant. What Robin I say
Mis.Page. Come, come, come
Mist.Ford. Heere, set it downe
M.Pag. Giue your men the charge, we must be briefe
M.Ford. Marrie, as I told you before (Iohn & Robert)
be ready here hard-by in the Brew-house, & when I sodainly
call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or
staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: y done,
trudge with it in all hast, and carry it among the Whitsters
in Dotchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddie
ditch, close by the Thames side
M.Page. You will do it?
M.Ford. I ha told them ouer and ouer, they lacke no direction.
Be gone, and come when you are call'd
M.Page. Here comes little Robin
Mist.Ford. How now my Eyas-Musket, what newes with you?
Rob. My M[aster]. Sir Iohn is come in at your backe doore
(Mist[ris]. Ford, and requests your company
M.Page. You litle Iack-a-lent, haue you bin true to vs
Rob. I, Ile be sworne: my Master knowes not of your
being heere: and hath threatned to put me into euerlasting
liberty, if I tell you of it: for he sweares he'll turne
me away
Mist.Pag. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
shall be a Tailor to thee, and shal make thee a new doublet
and hose. Ile go hide me
Mi.Ford. Do so: go tell thy Master, I am alone: Mistris
Page, remember you your Qu
Mist.Pag. I warrant thee, if I do not act it, hisse me
Mist.Ford. Go-too then: we'l vse this vnwholsome
humidity, this grosse-watry Pumpion; we'll teach him
to know Turtles from Iayes
Fal. Haue I caught thee, my heauenly Iewell? Why
now let me die, for I haue liu'd long enough: This is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed houre
Mist.Ford. O sweet Sir Iohn
Fal. Mistris Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate (Mist[ris].
Ford) now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy Husband
were dead, Ile speake it before the best Lord, I would
make thee my Lady
Mist.Ford. I your Lady Sir Iohn? Alas, I should bee a
pittifull Lady
Fal. Let the Court of France shew me such another:
I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond: Thou
hast the right arched-beauty of the brow, that becomes
the Ship-tyre, the Tyre-valiant, or any Tire of Venetian
admittance
Mist.Ford. A plaine Kerchiefe, Sir Iohn:
My browes become nothing else, nor that well neither
Fal. Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make
an absolute Courtier, and the firme fixture of thy foote,
would giue an excellent motion to thy gate, in a semicircled
Farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy
foe, were not Nature thy friend: Come, thou canst not
hide it
Mist.Ford. Beleeue me, ther's no such thing in me
Fal. What made me loue thee? Let that perswade
thee. Ther's something extraordinary in thee: Come, I
cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a-manie
of these lisping-hauthorne buds, that come like women
in mens apparrell, and smell like Bucklers-berry in simple
time: I cannot, but I loue thee, none but thee; and
thou deseru'st it
M.Ford. Do not betray me sir, I fear you loue M[istris]. Page
Fal. Thou mightst as well say, I loue to walke by the
Counter-gate, which is as hatefull to me, as the reeke of
a Lime-kill
Mis.Ford. Well, heauen knowes how I loue you,
And you shall one day finde it
Fal. Keepe in that minde, Ile deserue it
Mist.Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you doe;
Or else I could not be in that minde
Rob. Mistris Ford, Mistris Ford: heere's Mistris Page at
the doore, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildely,
and would needs speake with you presently
Fal. She shall not see me, I will ensconce mee behinde
the Arras
M.Ford. Pray you do so, she's a very tatling woman.
Whats the matter? How now?
Mist.Page. O mistris Ford what haue you done?
You'r sham'd, y'are ouerthrowne, y'are vndone for euer
M.Ford. What's the matter, good mistris Page?
M.Page. O weladay, mist[ris]. Ford, hauing an honest man
to your husband, to giue him such cause of suspition
M.Ford. What cause of suspition?
M.Page. What cause of suspition? Out vpon you:
How am I mistooke in you?
M.Ford. Why (alas) what's the matter?
M.Page. Your husband's comming hether (Woman)
with all the Officers in Windsor, to search for a Gentleman,
that he sayes is heere now in the house; by your
consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence: you are
vndone
M.Ford. 'Tis not so, I hope
M.Page. Pray heauen it be not so, that you haue such
a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming,
with halfe Windsor at his heeles, to serch for such
a one, I come before to tell you: If you know your selfe
cleere, why I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here,
conuey, conuey him out. Be not amaz'd, call all your
senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farwell to
your good life for euer
M.Ford. What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my
deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much,
as his perill. I had rather then a thousand pound he were
out of the house
M.Page. For shame, neuer stand (you had rather, and
you had rather:) your husband's heere at hand, bethinke
you of some conueyance: in the house you cannot hide
him. Oh, how haue you deceiu'd me? Looke, heere is a
basket, if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creepe
in heere, and throw fowle linnen vpon him, as if it were
going to bucking: Or it is whiting time, send him by
your two men to Datchet-Meade
M.Ford. He's too big to go in there: what shall I do?
Fal. Let me see't, let me see't, O let me see't:
Ile in, Ile in: Follow your friends counsell, Ile in
M.Page. What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters,
Knight?
Fal. I loue thee, helpe mee away: let me creepe in
heere: ile neuer -
M.Page. Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call
your men (Mist[ris]. Ford.) You dissembling Knight
M.Ford. What Iohn, Robert, Iohn; Go, take vp these
cloathes heere, quickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look
how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet
mead: quickly, come
Ford. 'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause,
Why then make sport at me, then let me be your iest,
I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?
Ser. To the Landresse forsooth?
M.Ford. Why, what haue you to doe whether they
beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing
Ford. Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of y Buck:
Bucke, bucke, bucke, I bucke: I warrant you Bucke,
And of the season too; it shall appeare.
Gentlemen, I haue dream'd to night, Ile tell you my
dreame: heere, heere, heere bee my keyes, ascend my
Chambers, search, seeke, finde out: Ile warrant wee'le
vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: so, now
vncape
Page. Good master Ford, be contented:
You wrong your selfe too much
Ford. True (master Page) vp Gentlemen,
You shall see sport anon:
Follow me Gentlemen
Euans. This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies
Caius. By gar, 'tis no-the fashion of France:
It is not iealous in France
Page. Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of
his search
Mist.Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mist.Ford. I know not which pleases me better,
That my husband is deceiued, or Sir Iohn
Mist.Page. What a taking was hee in, when your
husband askt who was in the basket?
Mist.Ford. I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of
washing: so throwing him into the water, will doe him
a benefit
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all
of the same straine, were in the same distresse
Mist.Ford. I thinke my husband hath some speciall
suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so
grosse in his iealousie till now
Mist.Page. I will lay a plot to try that, and wee will
yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease
will scarse obey this medicine
Mis.Ford. Shall we send that foolishion Carion, Mist[ris].
Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
and giue him another hope, to betray him to another
punishment?
Mist.Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow
eight a clocke to haue amends
Ford. I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd
of that he could not compasse
Mis.Page. Heard you that?
Mis.Ford. You vse me well, M[aster]. Ford? Do you?
Ford. I, I do so
M.Ford. Heauen make you better then your thoghts
Ford. Amen
Mi.Page. You do your selfe mighty wrong (M[aster]. Ford)
Ford. I, I: I must beare it
Eu. If there be any pody in the house, & in the chambers,
and in the coffers, and in the presses: heauen forgiue
my sins at the day of iudgement
Caius. Be gar, nor I too: there is no-bodies
Page. Fy, fy, M[aster]. Ford, are you not asham'd? What spirit,
what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha
your distemper in this kind, for y welth of Windsor castle
Ford. 'Tis my fault (M[aster]. Page) I suffer for it
Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among fiue thousand,
and fiue hundred too
Cai. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman
Ford. Well, I promisd you a dinner: come, come, walk
in the Parke, I pray you pardon me: I wil hereafter make
knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wife, come
Mi[stris]. Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me
Page. Let's go in Gentlemen, but (trust me) we'l mock
him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after we'll a Birding together, I haue a fine
Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:
Ford. Any thing
Eu. If there is one, I shall make two in the Companie
Ca. If there be one, or two, I shall make-a-theturd
Ford. Pray you go, M[aster]. Page
Eua. I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the
lowsie knaue, mine Host
Cai. Dat is good by gar, withall my heart
Eua. A lowsie knaue, to haue his gibes, and his mockeries.
Exeunt.
Scoena Quarta.
Enter Fenton, Anne, Page, Shallow, Slender, Quickly, Page,
Mist.Page.
Fen. I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue,
Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.)
Anne. Alas, how then?
Fen. Why thou must be thy selfe.
He doth obiect, I am too great of birth,
And that my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth.
Besides these, other barres he layes before me,
My Riots past, my wilde Societies,
And tels me 'tis a thing impossible
I should loue thee, but as a property
An. May be he tels you true.
No, heauen so speed me in my time to come,
Albeit I will confesse, thy Fathers wealth
Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:)
Yet wooing thee, I found thee of more valew
Then stampes in Gold, or summes in sealed bagges:
And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe,
That now I ayme at
An. Gentle M[aster]. Fenton,
Yet seeke my Fathers loue, still seeke it sir,
If opportunity and humblest suite
Cannot attaine it, why then harke you hither
Shal. Breake their talke Mistris Quickly.
My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe
Slen. Ile make a shaft or a bolt on't, slid, tis but venturing
Shal. Be not dismaid
Slen. No, she shall not dismay me:
I care not for that, but that I am affeard
Qui. Hark ye, M[aster]. Slender would speak a word with you
An. I come to him. This is my Fathers choice:
O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults
Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?
Qui. And how do's good Master Fenton?
Pray you a word with you
Shal. Shee's comming; to her Coz:
O boy, thou hadst a father
Slen. I had a father (M[istris]. An) my vncle can tel you good
iests of him: pray you Vncle, tel Mist[ris]. Anne the iest how
my Father stole two Geese out of a Pen, good Vnckle
Shal. Mistris Anne, my Cozen loues you
Slen. I that I do, as well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire
Shal. He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman
Slen. I that I will, come cut and long-taile, vnder the
degree of a Squire
Shal. He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds
ioynture
Anne. Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe
Shal. Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for
that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you
Anne. Now Master Slender
Slen. Now good Mistris Anne
Anne. What is your will?
Slen. My will? Odd's-hartlings, that's a prettie
iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:)
I am not such a sickely creature, I giue Heauen
praise
Anne. I meane (M[aster]. Slender) what wold you with me?
Slen. Truely, for mine owne part, I would little or
nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made
motions: if it be my lucke, so; if not, happy man bee his
dole, they can tell you how things go, better then I can:
you may aske your father, heere he comes
Page. Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne.
Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here?
You wrong me Sir, thus still to haunt my house.
I told you Sir, my daughter is disposd of
Fen. Nay Mr Page, be not impatient
Mist.Page. Good M[aster]. Fenton, come not to my child
Page. She is no match for you
Fen. Sir, will you heare me?
Page. No, good M[aster]. Fenton.
Come M[aster]. Shallow: Come sonne Slender, in;
Knowing my minde, you wrong me (M[aster]. Fenton.)
Qui. Speake to Mistris Page
Fen. Good Mist[ris]. Page, for that I loue your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checkes, rebukes, and manners,
I must aduance the colours of my loue,
And not retire. Let me haue your good will
An. Good mother, do not marry me to yond foole
Mist.Page. I meane it not, I seeke you a better husband
Qui. That's my master, M[aster]. Doctor
An. Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth,
And bowl'd to death with Turnips
Mist.Page. Come, trouble not your selfe good M[aster].
Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
My daughter will I question how she loues you,
And as I finde her, so am I affected:
Till then, farewell Sir, she must needs go in,
Her father will be angry
Fen. Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan
Qui. This is my doing now: Nay, saide I, will you
cast away your childe on a Foole, and a Physitian:
Looke on M[aster]. Fenton, this is my doing
Fen. I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night,
Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines
Qui. Now heauen send thee good fortune, a kinde
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water
for such a kinde heart. But yet, I would my Maister
had Mistris Anne, or I would M[aster]. Slender had her: or (in
sooth) I would M[aster]. Fenton had her; I will do what I can
for them all three, for so I haue promisd, and Ile bee as
good as my word, but speciously for M[aster]. Fenton. Well, I
must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two
Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.
Exeunt.
Scena Quinta.
Enter Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Quickly, Ford.
Fal. Bardolfe I say
Bar. Heere Sir
Fal. Go, fetch me a quart of Sacke, put a tost in't.
Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of
butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel,
if I be seru'd such another tricke, Ile haue my braines
'tane out and butter'd, and giue them to a dogge for a
New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer
with as little remorse, as they would haue drown'de a
blinde bitches Puppies, fifteene i'th litter: and you may
know by my size, that I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking:
if the bottome were as deepe as hell, I shold down.
I had beene drown'd, but that the shore was sheluy and
shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a
man; and what a thing should I haue beene, when I
had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of
Mummie
Bar. Here's M[istris]. Quickly Sir to speake with you
Fal. Come, let me poure in some Sack to the Thames
water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snowbals,
for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in
Bar. Come in woman
Qui. By your leaue: I cry you mercy?
Giue your worship good morrow
Fal. Take away these Challices:
Go, brew me a pottle of Sacke finely
Bard. With Egges, Sir?
Fal. Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my
brewage. How now?
Qui. Marry Sir, I come to your worship from M[istris]. Ford
Fal. Mist[ris]. Ford? I haue had Ford enough: I was thrown
into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford
Qui. Alas the day, (good-heart) that was not her
fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke
their erection
Fal. So did I mine, to build vpon a foolish Womans promise
Qui. Well, she laments Sir for it, that it would yern
your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a
birding; she desires you once more to come to her, betweene
eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely,
she'll make you amends I warrant you
Fal. Well, I will visit her, tell her so: and bidde her
thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailety, and
then iudge of my merit
Qui. I will tell her
Fal. Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou?
Qui. Eight and nine Sir
Fal. Well, be gone: I will not misse her
Qui. Peace be with you Sir
Fal. I meruaile I heare not of Mr Broome: he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well.
Oh, heere he comes
Ford. Blesse you Sir
Fal. Now M[aster]. Broome, you come to know
What hath past betweene me, and Fords wife
Ford. That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse
Fal. M[aster]. Broome I will not lye to you,
I was at her house the houre she appointed me
Ford. And sped you Sir?
Fal. Very ill-fauouredly M[aster]. Broome
Ford. How so sir, did she change her determination?
Fal. No (M[aster]. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband
(M[aster]. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie,
coms me in the instant of our encounter, after we had
embrast, kist, protested, & (as it were) spoke the prologue
of our Comedy: and at his heeles, a rabble of his companions,
thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper,
and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue
Ford. What? While you were there?
Fal. While I was there
For. And did he search for you, & could not find you?
Fal. You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it,
comes in one Mist[ris]. Page, giues intelligence of Fords approch:
and in her inuention, and Fords wiues distraction,
they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket
Ford. A Buck-basket?
Fal. Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule
Shirts and Smockes, Socks, foule Stockings, greasie
Napkins, that (Master Broome) there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell, that euer offended nostrill
Ford. And how long lay you there?
Fal. Nay, you shall heare (Master Broome) what I
haue sufferd, to bring this woman to euill, for your
good: Being thus cram'd in the Basket, a couple of
Fords knaues, his Hindes, were cald forth by their Mistris,
to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to
Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met
the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who
ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket?
I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue
would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should
be a Cuckold) held his hand: well, on went hee, for
a search, and away went I for foule Cloathes: But
marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs
of three seuerall deaths: First, an intollerable fright,
to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather:
Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference
of a Pecke, hilt to point, heele to head. And
then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking
Cloathes, that fretted in their owne grease:
thinke of that, a man of my Kidney; thinke of that,
that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall
dissolution, and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I
was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish)
to be throwne into the Thames, and
coold, glowing-hot, in that serge like a Horse-shoo;
thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master
Broome.)
Ford. In good sadnesse Sir, I am sorry, that for my sake
you haue sufferd all this.
My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no
more?
Fal. Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna,
as I haue beene into Thames, ere I will leaue her thus;
her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I
haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting:
'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master
Broome.)
Ford. 'Tis past eight already Sir
Fal. Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment:
Come to mee at your conuenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you
shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broome, you shall
cuckold Ford
Ford. Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame?
doe I sleepe? Master Ford awake, awake Master Ford:
ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this
'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnen, and Buckbaskets:
Well, I will proclaime my selfe what I am:
I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee
cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot
creepe into a halfe-penny purse, nor into a PepperBoxe:
But least the Diuell that guides him, should
aide him, I will search impossible places: though
what I am, I cannot auoide; yet to be what I would
not, shall not make me tame: If I haue hornes, to make
one mad, let the prouerbe goe with me, Ile be hornemad.
Exeunt.
Actus Quartus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Mistris Page, Quickly, William, Euans.
Mist.Pag. Is he at M[aster]. Fords already think'st thou?
Qui. Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but
truely he is very couragious mad, about his throwing
into the water. Mistris Ford desires you to come sodainely
Mist.Pag. Ile be with her by and by: Ile but bring
my yong-man here to Schoole: looke where his Master
comes; 'tis a playing day I see: how now Sir Hugh, no
Schoole to day?
Eua. No: Master Slender is let the Boyes leaue to play
Qui 'Blessing of his heart
Mist.Pag. Sir Hugh, my husband saies my sonne profits
nothing in the world at his Booke: I pray you aske
him some questions in his Accidence
Eu. Come hither William; hold vp your head; come
Mist.Pag. Come-on Sirha; hold vp your head; answere
your Master, be not afraid
Eua. William, how many Numbers is in Nownes?
Will. Two
Qui. Truely, I thought there had bin one Number
more, because they say od's-Nownes
Eua. Peace, your tatlings. What is (Faire) William?
Will. Pulcher
Qu. Powlcats? there are fairer things then Powlcats,
sure
Eua. You are a very simplicity o'man: I pray you
peace. What is (Lapis) William?
Will. A Stone
Eua. And what is a Stone (William?)
Will. A Peeble
Eua. No; it is Lapis: I pray you remember in your
praine
Will. Lapis
Eua. That is a good William: what is he (William) that
do's lend Articles
Will. Articles are borrowed of the Pronoune; and be
thus declined. Singulariter nominatiuo hic, haec, hoc
Eua. Nominatiuo hig, hag, hog: pray you marke: genitiuo
huius: Well: what is your Accusatiue-case?
Will. Accusatiuo hinc
Eua. I pray you haue your remembrance (childe) Accusatiuo
hing, hang, hog
Qu. Hang-hog, is latten for Bacon, I warrant you
Eua. Leaue your prables (o'man) What is the Focatiue
case (William?)
Will. O, Vocatiuo, O
Eua. Remember William, Focatiue, is caret
Qu. And that's a good roote
Eua. O'man, forbeare
Mist.Pag. Peace
Eua. What is your Genitiue case plurall (William?)
Will. Genitiue case?
Eua. I
Will. Genitiue horum, harum, horum
Qu. 'Vengeance of Ginyes case; fie on her; neuer
name her (childe) if she be a whore
Eua. For shame o'man
Qu. You doe ill to teach the childe such words: hee
teaches him to hic, and to hac; which they'll doe fast
enough of themselues, and to call horum; fie vpon you
Euans. O'man, art thou Lunatics? Hast thou no vnderstandings
for thy Cases, & the numbers of the Genders?
Thou art as foolish Christian creatures, as I would
desires
Mi.Page. Pre'thee hold thy peace
Eu. Shew me now (William) some declensions of your
Pronounes
Will. Forsooth, I haue forgot
Eu. It is Qui, que, quod; if you forget your Quies,
your Ques, and your Quods, you must be preeches: Goe
your waies and play, go
M.Pag. He is a better scholler then I thought he was
Eu. He is a good sprag-memory: Farewel Mis[tris]. Page
Mis.Page. Adieu good Sir Hugh:
Get you home boy, Come we stay too long.
Exeunt.
Scena Secunda.
Enter Falstoffe, Mist.Ford, Mist.Page, Seruants, Ford, Page, Caius,
Euans,
Shallow.
Fal. Mi[stris]. Ford, Your sorrow hath eaten vp my sufferance;
I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I professe
requitall to a haires bredth, not onely Mist[ris]. Ford,
in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
your husband now?
Mis.Ford. Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
Mis.Page. What hoa, gossip Ford: what hoa
Mis.Ford. Step into th' chamber, Sir Iohn
Mis.Page. How now (sweete heart) whose at home
besides your selfe?
Mis.Ford. Why none but mine owne people
Mis.Page. Indeed?
Mis.Ford. No certainly: Speake louder
Mist.Pag. Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here
Mist.Ford. Why?
Mis.Page. Why woman, your husband is in his olde
lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tamenesse,
ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere
Mist.Ford. Why, do's he talke of him?
Mist.Page. Of none but him, and sweares he was caried
out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foolerie
Mist.Ford. How neere is he Mistris Page?
Mist.Pag. Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon
Mist.Ford. I am vndone, the Knight is heere
Mist.Page. Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
him, away with him: Better shame, then murther
Mist.Ford. Which way should he go? How should I
bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
Fal. No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
May I not go out ere he come?
Mist.Page. Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise
you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
you heere?
Fal. What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney
Mist.Ford. There they alwaies vse to discharge their
Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole
Fal. Where is it?
Mist.Ford. He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
house
Fal. Ile go out then
Mist.Ford. If you goe out in your owne semblance,
you die Sir Iohn, vnlesse you go out disguis'd
Mist.Ford. How might we disguise him?
Mist.Page. Alas the day I know not, there is no womans
gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape
Fal. Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
rather then a mischiefe
Mist.Ford. My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brainford,
has a gowne aboue
Mist.Page. On my word it will serue him: shee's as
big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
too: run vp Sir Iohn
Mist.Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
I will looke some linnen for your head
Mist.Page. Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
straight: put on the gowne the while
Mist.Ford. I would my husband would meete him
in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford;
he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
hath threatned to beate her
Mist.Page. Heauen guide him to thy husbands cudgell:
and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards
Mist.Ford. But is my husband comming?
Mist.Page. I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence
Mist.Ford. Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
it, as they did last time
Mist.Page. Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
dresse him like the witch of Brainford
Mist.Ford. Ile first direct my men, what they
shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
him straight
Mist.Page. Hang him dishonest Varlet,
We cannot misuse enough:
We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo,
Wiues may be merry, and yet honest too:
We do not acte that often, iest, and laugh,
'Tis old, but true, Still Swine eats all the draugh
Mist.Ford. Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch
1 Ser. Come, come, take it vp
2 Ser. Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe
1 Ser. I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead
Ford. I, but if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what honest
cloathes you send forth to bleaching
Page. Why, this passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe
loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd
Euans. Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
mad dogge
Shall. Indeed M[aster]. Ford, this is not well indeed
Ford. So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford, Mistris
Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertuous
creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
Mist.Ford. Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
suspect me in any dishonesty
Ford. Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
sirrah
Page. This passes
Mist.Ford. Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone
Ford. I shall finde you anon
Eua. 'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
cloathes? Come, away
Ford. Empty the basket I say
M.Ford. Why man, why?
Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conuay'd
out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
me out all the linnen
Mist.Ford. If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
death
Page. Heer's no man
Shal. By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
wrongs you
Euans. Mr Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies
Ford. Well, hee's not heere I seeke for
Page. No, nor no where else but in your braine
Ford. Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
iealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
with me
M.Ford. What hoa (Mistris Page,) come you and
the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
Chamber
Ford. Old woman? what old womans that?
M.Ford. Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford
Ford. A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th' Figure, & such
dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know nothing.
Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
downe I say
Mist.Ford. Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentlemen,
let him strike the old woman
Mist.Page. Come mother Prat, Come giue me your
hand
Ford. Ile Prat-her: Out of my doore, you Witch,
you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you
Mist.Page. Are you not asham'd?
I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman
Mist.Ford. Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
for you
Ford. Hang her witch
Eua. By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch indeede:
I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
a great peard vnder his muffler
Ford. Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you follow:
see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe
Page. Let's obey his humour a little further:
Come Gentlemen
Mist.Page. Trust me he beate him most pittifully
Mist.Ford. Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate
him most vnpittifully, me thought
Mist.Page. Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice
Mist.Ford. What thinke you? May we with the warrant
of woman-hood, and the witnesse of a good conscience,
pursue him with any further reuenge?
M.Page. The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
waste, attempt vs againe
Mist.Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
seru'd him?
Mist.Page. Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the ministers
Mist.Ford. Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
iest, should he not be publikely sham'd
Mist.Page. Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
I would not haue things coole.
Exeunt.
Scena Tertia.
Enter Host and Bardolfe.
Bar. Sir, the Germane desires to haue three of your
horses: the Duke himselfe will be to morrow at Court,
and they are going to meet him
Host. What Duke should that be comes so secretly?
I heare not of him in the Court: let mee speake with the
Gentlemen, they speake English?
Bar. I Sir? Ile call him to you
Host. They shall haue my horses, but Ile make them
pay: Ile sauce them, they haue had my houses a week at
commaund: I haue turn'd away my other guests, they
must come off, Ile sawce them, come.
Exeunt.
Scena Quarta.
Enter Page, Ford, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, and Euans.
Eua. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a o'man as euer
I did looke vpon
Page. And did he send you both these Letters at an
instant?
Mist.Page. Within a quarter of an houre
Ford. Pardon me (wife) henceforth do what y wilt:
I rather will suspect the Sunne with gold,
Then thee with wantonnes: Now doth thy honor stand
(In him that was of late an Heretike)
As firme as faith
Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well, no more:
Be not as extreme in submission, as in offence,
But let our plot go forward: Let our wiues
Yet once againe (to make vs publike sport)
Appoint a meeting with this old fat-fellow,
Where we may take him, and disgrace him for it
Ford. There is no better way then that they spoke of
Page. How? to send him word they'll meete him in
the Parke at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll neuer come
Eu. You say he has bin throwne in the Riuers: and
has bin greeuously peaten, as an old o'man: me-thinkes
there should be terrors in him, that he should not come:
Me-thinkes his flesh is punish'd, hee shall haue no desires
Page. So thinke I too
M.Ford. Deuise but how you'l vse him whe[n] he comes,
And let vs two deuise to bring him thether
Mis.Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne the
Hunter (sometime a keeper heere in Windsor Forrest)
Doth all the winter time, at still midnight
Walke round about an Oake, with great rag'd-hornes,
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,
And make milch-kine yeeld blood, and shakes a chaine
In a most hideous and dreadfull manner.
You haue heard of such a Spirit, and well you know
The superstitious idle-headed-Eld
Receiu'd, and did deliuer to our age
This tale of Herne the Hunter, for a truth
Page. Why yet there want not many that do feare
In deepe of night to walke by this Hernes Oake:
But what of this?
Mist.Ford. Marry this is our deuise,
That Falstaffe at that Oake shall meete with vs
Page. Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come,
And in this shape, when you haue brought him thether,
What shall be done with him? What is your plot?
Mist.Pa. That likewise haue we thoght vpon: & thus:
Nan Page (my daughter) and my little sonne,
And three or foure more of their growth, wee'l dresse
Like Vrchins, Ouphes, and Fairies, greene and white,
With rounds of waxen Tapers on their heads,
And rattles in their hands; vpon a sodaine,
As Falstaffe, she, and I, are newly met,
Let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once
With some diffused song: Vpon their sight
We two, in great amazednesse will flye:
Then let them all encircle him about,
And Fairy-like to pinch the vncleane Knight;
And aske him why that houre of Fairy Reuell,
In their so sacred pathes, he dares to tread
In shape prophane
Ford. And till he tell the truth,
Let the supposed Fairies pinch him, sound,
And burne him with their Tapers
Mist.Page. The truth being knowne,
We'll all present our selues; dis-horne the spirit,
And mocke him home to Windsor
Ford. The children must
Be practis'd well to this, or they'll neu'r doo't
Eua. I will teach the children their behauiours: and I
will be like a Iacke-an-Apes also, to burne the Knight
with my Taber
Ford. That will be excellent,
Ile go buy them vizards
Mist.Page. My Nan shall be the Queene of all the
Fairies, finely attired in a robe of white
Page. That silke will I go buy, and in that time
Shall M[aster]. Slender steale my Nan away,
And marry her at Eaton: go, send to Falstaffe straight
Ford. Nay, Ile to him againe in name of Broome,
Hee'l tell me all his purpose: sure hee'l come
Mist.Page. Feare not you that: Go get vs properties
And tricking for our Fayries
Euans. Let vs about it,
It is admirable pleasures, and ferry honest knaueries
Mis.Page. Go Mist[ris]. Ford,
Send quickly to Sir Iohn, to know his minde:
Ile to the Doctor, he hath my good will,
And none but he to marry with Nan Page:
That Slender (though well landed) is an Ideot:
And he, my husband best of all affects:
The Doctor is well monied, and his friends
Potent at Court: he, none but he shall haue her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to craue her.
Scena Quinta.
Enter Host, Simple, Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Euans, Caius, Quickly.
Host. What wouldst thou haue? (Boore) what? (thick
skin) speake, breathe, discusse: breefe, short, quicke,
snap
Simp. Marry Sir, I come to speake with Sir Iohn Falstaffe
from M[aster]. Slender
Host. There's his Chamber, his House, his Castle,
his standing-bed and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about
with the story of the Prodigall, fresh and new: go, knock
and call: hee'l speake like an Anthropophaginian vnto
thee: Knocke I say
Simp. There's an olde woman, a fat woman gone vp
into his chamber: Ile be so bold as stay Sir till she come
downe: I come to speake with her indeed
Host. Ha? A fat woman? The Knight may be robb'd:
Ile call. Bully-Knight, Bully Sir Iohn: speake from thy
Lungs Military: Art thou there? It is thine Host, thine
Ephesian cals
Fal. How now, mine Host?
Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar taries the comming
downe of thy fat-woman: Let her descend (Bully) let
her descend: my Chambers are honourable: Fie, priuacy?
Fie
Fal. There was (mine Host) an old-fat-woman euen
now with me, but she's gone
Simp. Pray you Sir, was't not the Wise-woman of
Brainford?
Fal. I marry was it (Mussel-shell) what would you
with her?
Simp. My Master (Sir) my master Slender, sent to her
seeing her go thorough the streets, to know (Sir) whether
one Nim (Sir) that beguil'd him of a chaine, had the
chaine, or no
Fal. I spake with the old woman about it
Sim. And what sayes she, I pray Sir?
Fal. Marry shee sayes, that the very same man that
beguil'd Master Slender of his Chaine, cozon'd him of it
Simp. I would I could haue spoken with the Woman
her selfe, I had other things to haue spoken with her
too, from him
Fal. What are they? let vs know
Host. I: come: quicke
Fal. I may not conceale them (Sir.)
Host. Conceale them, or thou di'st
Sim. Why sir, they were nothing but about Mistris
Anne Page, to know if it were my Masters fortune to
haue her, or no
Fal. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune
Sim. What Sir?
Fal. To haue her, or no: goe; say the woman told
me so
Sim. May I be bold to say so Sir?
Fal. I Sir: like who more bold
Sim. I thanke your worship: I shall make my Master
glad with these tydings
Host. Thou art clearkly: thou art clearkly (Sir Iohn)
was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal. I that there was (mine Host) one that hath taught
me more wit, then euer I learn'd before in my life: and
I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning
Bar. Out alas (Sir) cozonage: meere cozonage
Host. Where be my horses? speake well of them varletto
Bar. Run away with the cozoners: for so soone as
I came beyond Eaton, they threw me off, from behinde
one of them, in a slough of myre; and set spurres, and
away; like three Germane-diuels; three Doctor Faustasses
Host. They are gone but to meete the Duke (villaine)
doe not say they be fled: Germanes are honest men
Euan. Where is mine Host?
Host. What is the matter Sir?
Euan. Haue a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to Towne, tels mee there is three
Cozen-Iermans, that has cozend all the Hosts of Reading,
of Maidenhead; of Cole-brooke, of horses and money: I
tell you for good will (looke you) you are wise, and full
of gibes, and vlouting-stocks: and 'tis not conuenient
you should be cozoned. Fare you well
Cai. Ver' is mine Host de Iarteere?
Host. Here (Master Doctor) in perplexitie, and doubtfull
delemma
Cai. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a-me, dat
you make grand preparation for a Duke de Iamanie: by
my trot: der is no Duke that the Court is know, to
come: I tell you for good will: adieu
Host. Huy and cry, (villaine) goe: assist me Knight, I
am vndone: fly, run: huy, and cry (villaine) I am vndone
Fal. I would all the world might be cozond, for I
haue beene cozond and beaten too: if it should come
to the eare of the Court, how I haue beene transformed;
and how my transformation hath beene washd, and
cudgeld, they would melt mee out of my fat drop by
drop, and liquor Fishermens-boots with me: I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as
crest-falne as a dride-peare: I neuer prosper'd, since I
forswore my selfe at Primero: well, if my winde were
but long enough; I would repent: Now? Whence come
you?
Qui. From the two parties forsooth
Fal. The Diuell take one partie, and his Dam the
other: and so they shall be both bestowed; I haue suffer'd
more for their sakes; more then the villanous inconstancy
of mans disposition is able to beare
Qui. And haue not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant; speciously
one of them; Mistris Ford (good heart) is beaten
blacke and blew, that you cannot see a white spot about
her
Fal. What tell'st thou mee of blacke, and blew? I
was beaten my selfe into all the colours of the Rainebow:
and I was like to be apprehended for the Witch
of Braineford, but that my admirable dexteritie of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman deliuer'd
me, the knaue Constable had set me ith' Stocks, ith' common
Stocks, for a Witch
Qu, Sir: let me speake with you in your Chamber,
you shall heare how things goe, and (I warrant) to your
content: here is a Letter will say somewhat: (good-hearts)
what adoe here is to bring you together? Sure,
one of you do's not serue heauen well, that you are so
cross'd
Fal. Come vp into my Chamber.
Exeunt.
Scena Sexta.
Enter Fenton, Host.
Host. Master Fenton, talke not to mee, my minde is
heauy: I will giue ouer all
Fen. Yet heare me speake: assist me in my purpose,
And (as I am a gentleman) ile giue thee
A hundred pound in gold, more then your losse
Host. I will heare you (Master Fenton) and I will (at
the least) keepe your counsell
Fen. From time to time, I haue acquainted you
With the deare loue I beare to faire Anne Page,
Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
(So farre forth, as her selfe might be her chooser)
Euen to my wish; I haue a letter from her
Of such contents, as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof, so larded with my matter,
That neither (singly) can be manifested
Without the shew of both: fat Falstaffe
Hath a great Scene; the image of the iest
Ile show you here at large (harke good mine Host:)
To night at Hernes-Oke, iust 'twixt twelue and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Faerie-Queene:
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise
While other Iests are something ranke on foote,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender, and with him, at Eaton
Immediately to Marry: She hath consented: Now Sir,
Her Mother, (euen strong against that match
And firme for Doctor Caius) hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their mindes,
And at the Deanry, where a Priest attends
Strait marry her: to this her Mothers plot
She seemingly obedient) likewise hath
Made promise to the Doctor: Now, thus it rests,
Her Father meanes she shall be all in white;
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand, and bid her goe,
She shall goe with him: her Mother hath intended
(The better to deuote her to the Doctor;
For they must all be mask'd, and vizarded)
That quaint in greene, she shall be loose en-roab'd,
With Ribonds-pendant, flaring 'bout her head;
And when the Doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,
The maid hath giuen consent to go with him
Host. Which meanes she to deceiue? Father, or Mother
Fen. Both (my good Host) to go along with me:
And heere it rests, that you'l procure the Vicar
To stay for me at Church, 'twixt twelue, and one,
And in the lawfull name of marrying,
To giue our hearts vnited ceremony
Host. Well, husband your deuice; Ile to the Vicar,
Bring you the Maid, you shall not lacke a Priest
Fen. So shall I euermore be bound to thee;
Besides, Ile make a present recompence.
Exeunt.
Actus Quintus. Scoena Prima.
Enter Falstoffe, Quickly, and Ford.
Fal. Pre'thee no more pratling: go, Ile hold, this is
the third time: I hope good lucke lies in odde numbers:
Away, go, they say there is Diuinity in odde Numbers,
either in natiuity, chance, or death: away
Qui. Ile prouide you a chaine, and Ile do what I can
to get you a paire of hornes
Fall. Away I say, time weares, hold vp your head &
mince. How now M[aster]. Broome? Master Broome, the matter
will be knowne to night, or neuer. Bee you in the
Parke about midnight, at Hernes-Oake, and you shall
see wonders
Ford. Went you not to her yesterday (Sir) as you told
me you had appointed?
Fal. I went to her (Master Broome) as you see, like a
poore-old-man, but I came from her (Master Broome)
like a poore-old-woman; that same knaue (Ford hir husband)
hath the finest mad diuell of iealousie in him (Master
Broome) that euer gouern'd Frensie. I will tell you,
he beate me greeuously, in the shape of a woman: (for in
the shape of Man (Master Broome) I feare not Goliath
with a Weauers beame, because I know also, life is a
Shuttle) I am in hast, go along with mee, Ile tell you all
(Master Broome:) since I pluckt Geese, plaide Trewant,
and whipt Top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten, till
lately. Follow mee, Ile tell you strange things of this
knaue Ford, on whom to night I will be reuenged, and I
will deliuer his wife into your hand. Follow, straunge
things in hand (M[aster]. Broome) follow.
Exeunt.
Scena Secunda.
Enter Page, Shallow, Slender.
Page. Come, come: wee'll couch i'th Castle-ditch,
till we see the light of our Fairies. Remember son Slender,
my
Slen. I forsooth, I haue spoke with her, & we haue
a nay-word, how to know one another. I come to her
in white, and cry Mum; she cries Budget, and by that
we know one another
Shal. That's good too: But what needes either your
Mum, or her Budget? The white will decipher her well
enough. It hath strooke ten a' clocke
Page. The night is darke, Light and Spirits will become
it wel: Heauen prosper our sport. No man means
euill but the deuill, and we shal know him by his hornes.
Lets away: follow me.
Exeunt.
Scena Tertia.
Enter Mist.Page, Mist.Ford, Caius.
Mist.Page. Mr Doctor, my daughter is in green, when
you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her
to the Deanerie, and dispatch it quickly: go before into
the Parke: we two must go together
Cai. I know vat I haue to do, adieu
Mist.Page. Fare you well (Sir:) my husband will not
reioyce so much at the abuse of Falstaffe, as he will chafe
at the Doctors marrying my daughter: But 'tis no matter;
better a little chiding, then a great deale of heartbreake
Mist.Ford. Where is Nan now? and her troop of Fairies?
and the Welch-deuill Herne?
Mist.Page. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Hernes
Oake, with obscur'd Lights; which at the very instant
of Falstaffes and our meeting, they will at once display to
the night
Mist.Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him
Mist.Page. If he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd: If
he be amaz'd, he will euery way be mock'd
Mist.Ford. Wee'll betray him finely
Mist.Page. Against such Lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them, do no treachery
Mist.Ford. The houre drawes-on: to the Oake, to the
Oake.
Exeunt.
Scena Quarta.
Enter Euans and Fairies.
Euans. Trib, trib Fairies: Come, and remember your
parts: be pold (I pray you) follow me into the pit, and
when I giue the watch-'ords, do as I pid you: Come,
come, trib, trib.
Exeunt.
Scena Quinta.
Enter Falstaffe, Mistris Page, Mistris Ford, Euans, Anne Page,
Fairies,
Page, Ford, Quickly, Slender, Fenton, Caius, Pistoll.
Fal. The Windsor-bell hath stroke twelue: the Minute
drawes-on: Now the hot-bloodied-Gods assist me:
Remember Ioue, thou was't a Bull for thy Europa, Loue
set on thy hornes. O powerfull Loue, that in some respects
makes a Beast a Man: in som other, a Man a beast.
You were also (Iupiter) a Swan, for the loue of Leda: O
omnipotent Loue, how nere the God drew to the complexion
of a Goose: a fault done first in the forme of a
beast, (O Ioue, a beastly fault:) and then another fault,
in the semblance of a Fowle, thinke on't (Ioue) a fowle-fault.
When Gods haue hot backes, what shall poore
men do? For me, I am heere a Windsor Stagge, and the
fattest (I thinke) i'th Forrest. Send me a coole rut-time
(Ioue) or who can blame me to pisse my Tallow? Who
comes heere? my Doe?
M.Ford. Sir Iohn? Art thou there (my Deere?)
My male-Deere?
Fal. My Doe, with the blacke Scut? Let the skie
raine Potatoes: let it thunder, to the tune of Greenesleeues,
haile-kissing Comfits, and snow Eringoes: Let
there come a tempest of prouocation, I will shelter mee
heere
M.Ford. Mistris Page is come with me (sweet hart.)
Fal. Diuide me like a brib'd-Bucke, each a Haunch:
I will keepe my sides to my selfe, my shoulders for the
fellow of this walke; and my hornes I bequeath your
husbands. Am I a Woodman, ha? Speake I like Herne
the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience,
he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome
M.Page. Alas, what noise?
M.Ford. Heauen forgiue our sinnes
Fal. What should this be?
M.Ford. M.Page. Away, away
Fal. I thinke the diuell wil not haue me damn'd,
Least the oyle that's in me should set hell on fire;
He would neuer else crosse me thus.
Enter Fairies.
Qui. Fairies blacke, gray, greene, and white,
You Moone-shine reuellers, and shades of night.
You Orphan heires of fixed destiny,
Attend your office, and your quality.
Crier Hob-goblyn, make the Fairy Oyes
Pist. Elues, list your names: Silence you aiery toyes.
Cricket, to Windsor-chimnies shalt thou leape;
Where fires thou find'st vnrak'd, and hearths vnswept,
There pinch the Maids as blew as Bill-berry,
Our radiant Queene, hates Sluts, and Sluttery
Fal. They are Fairies, he that speaks to them shall die,
Ile winke, and couch: No man their workes must eie
Eu. Wher's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid
That ere she sleepe has thrice her prayers said,
Raise vp the Organs of her fantasie,
Sleepe she as sound as carelesse infancie,
But those as sleepe, and thinke not on their sins,
Pinch them armes, legs, backes, shoulders, sides, & shins
Qu. About, about:
Search Windsor Castle (Elues) within, and out.
Strew good lucke (Ouphes) on euery sacred roome,
That it may stand till the perpetuall doome,
In state as wholsome, as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the Owner, and the Owner it.
The seuerall Chaires of Order, looke you scowre
With iuyce of Balme; and euery precious flowre,
Each faire Instalment, Coate, and seu'rall Crest,
With loyall Blazon, euermore be blest.
And Nightly-meadow-Fairies, looke you sing
Like to the Garters-Compasse, in a ring
Th' expressure that it beares: Greene let it be,
More fertile-fresh then all the Field to see:
And, Hony Soit Qui Maly-Pence, write
In Emrold-tuffes, Flowres purple, blew, and white,
Like Saphire-pearle, and rich embroiderie,
Buckled below faire Knight-hoods bending knee;
Fairies vse Flowres for their characterie.
Away, disperse: But till 'tis one a clocke,
Our Dance of Custome, round about the Oke
Of Herne the Hunter, let vs not forget
Euan. Pray you lock hand in hand: your selues in order set:
And twenty glow-wormes shall our Lanthornes bee
To guide our Measure round about the Tree.
But stay, I smell a man of middle earth
Fal. Heauens defend me from that Welsh Fairy,
Least he transforme me to a peece of Cheese
Pist. Vilde worme, thou wast ore-look'd euen in thy
birth
Qu. With Triall-fire touch me his finger end:
If he be chaste, the flame will backe descend
And turne him to no paine: but if he start,
It is the flesh of a corrupted hart
Pist. A triall, come
Eua. Come: will this wood take fire?
Fal. Oh, oh, oh
Qui. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire.
About him (Fairies) sing a scornfull rime,
And as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
The Song.
Fie on sinnefull phantasie: Fie on Lust, and Luxurie:
Lust is but a bloudy fire, kindled with vnchaste desire,
Fed in heart whose flames aspire,
As thoughts do blow them higher and higher.
Pinch him (Fairies) mutually: Pinch him for his villanie.
Pinch him, and burne him, and turne him about,
Till Candles, & Star-light, & Moone-shine be out
Page. Nay do not flye, I thinke we haue watcht you
now: Will none but Herne the Hunter serue your
turne?
M.Page. I pray you come, hold vp the iest no higher.
Now (good Sir Iohn) how like you Windsor wiues?
See you these husband? Do not these faire yoakes
Become the Forrest better then the Towne?
Ford. Now Sir, whose a Cuckold now?
Mr Broome, Falstaffes a Knaue, a Cuckoldly knaue,
Heere are his hornes Master Broome:
And Master Broome, he hath enioyed nothing of Fords,
but his Buck-basket, his cudgell, and twenty pounds of
money, which must be paid to Mr Broome, his horses are
arrested for it, Mr Broome
M.Ford. Sir Iohn, we haue had ill lucke: wee could
neuer meete: I will neuer take you for my Loue againe,
but I will alwayes count you my Deere
Fal. I do begin to perceiue that I am made an Asse
Ford. I, and an Oxe too: both the proofes are extant
Fal. And these are not Fairies:
I was three or foure times in the thought they were not
Fairies, and yet the guiltinesse of my minde, the sodaine
surprize of my powers, droue the grossenesse of the foppery
into a receiu'd beleefe, in despight of the teeth of
all rime and reason, that they were Fairies. See now
how wit may be made a Iacke-a-Lent, when 'tis vpon ill
imployment
Euans. Sir Iohn Falstaffe, serue Got, and leaue your
desires, and Fairies will not pinse you
Ford. Well said Fairy Hugh
Euans. And leaue you your iealouzies too, I pray
you
Ford. I will neuer mistrust my wife againe, till thou
art able to woo her in good English
Fal. Haue I laid my braine in the Sun, and dri'de it,
that it wants matter to preuent so grosse ore-reaching as
this? Am I ridden with a Welch Goate too? Shal I haue
a Coxcombe of Frize? Tis time I were choak'd with a
peece of toasted Cheese
Eu. Seese is not good to giue putter; your belly is al
putter
Fal. Seese, and Putter? Haue I liu'd to stand at the
taunt of one that makes Fritters of English? This is enough
to be the decay of lust and late-walking through
the Realme
Mist.Page. Why Sir Iohn, do you thinke though wee
would haue thrust vertue out of our hearts by the head
and shoulders, and haue giuen our selues without scruple
to hell, that euer the deuill could haue made you our
delight?
Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax?
Mist.Page. A puft man?
Page. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intollerable entrailes?
Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Sathan?
Page. And as poore as Iob?
Ford. And as wicked as his wife?
Euan. And giuen to Fornications, and to Tauernes,
and Sacke, and Wine, and Metheglins, and to drinkings
and swearings, and starings? Pribles and prables?
Fal. Well, I am your Theame: you haue the start of
me, I am deiected: I am not able to answer the Welch
Flannell, Ignorance it selfe is a plummet ore me, vse me
as you will
Ford. Marry Sir, wee'l bring you to Windsor to one
Mr Broome, that you haue cozon'd of money, to whom
you should haue bin a Pander: ouer and aboue that you
haue suffer'd, I thinke, to repay that money will be a biting
affliction
Page. Yet be cheerefull Knight: thou shalt eat a posset
to night at my house, wher I will desire thee to laugh
at my wife, that now laughes at thee: Tell her Mr Slender
hath married her daughter
Mist.Page. Doctors doubt that;
If Anne Page be my daughter, she is (by this) Doctour
Caius wife
Slen. Whoa hoe, hoe, Father Page
Page. Sonne? How now? How now Sonne,
Haue you dispatch'd?
Slen. Dispatch'd? Ile make the best in Glostershire
know on't: would I were hang'd la, else
Page. Of what sonne?
Slen. I came yonder at Eaton to marry Mistris Anne
Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not bene
i'th Church, I would haue swing'd him, or hee should
haue swing'd me. If I did not thinke it had beene Anne
Page, would I might neuer stirre, and 'tis a Post-masters
Boy
Page. Vpon my life then, you tooke the wrong
Slen. What neede you tell me that? I think so, when
I tooke a Boy for a Girle: If I had bene married to him,
(for all he was in womans apparrell) I would not haue
had him
Page. Why this is your owne folly,
Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter,
By her garments?
Slen. I went to her in greene, and cried Mum, and
she cride budget, as Anne and I had appointed, and yet
it was not Anne, but a Post-masters boy
Mist.Page. Good George be not angry, I knew of
your purpose: turn'd my daughter into white, and indeede
she is now with the Doctor at the Deanrie, and
there married
Cai. Ver is Mistris Page: by gar I am cozoned, I ha
married oon Garsoon, a boy; oon pesant, by gar. A boy,
it is not An Page, by gar, I am cozened
M.Page. Why? did you take her in white?
Cai. I bee gar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, Ile raise all
Windsor
Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
Page. My heart misgiues me, here comes Mr Fenton.
How now Mr Fenton?
Anne. Pardon good father, good my mother pardon
Page. Now Mistris:
How chance you went not with Mr Slender?
M.Page. Why went you not with Mr Doctor, maid?
Fen. You do amaze her: heare the truth of it,
You would haue married her most shamefully,
Where there was no proportion held in loue:
The truth is, she and I (long since contracted)
Are now so sure that nothing can dissolue vs:
Th' offence is holy, that she hath committed,
And this deceit looses the name of craft,
Of disobedience, or vnduteous title,
Since therein she doth euitate and shun
A thousand irreligious cursed houres
Which forced marriage would haue brought vpon her
Ford. Stand not amaz'd, here is no remedie:
In Loue, the heauens themselues do guide the state,
Money buyes Lands, and wiues are sold by fate
Fal. I am glad, though you haue tane a special stand
to strike at me, that your Arrow hath glanc'd
Page. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heauen giue thee
ioy, what cannot be eschew'd, must be embrac'd
Fal. When night-dogges run, all sorts of Deere are
chac'd
Mist.Page. Well, I will muse no further: Mr Fenton,
Heauen giue you many, many merry dayes:
Good husband, let vs euery one go home,
And laugh this sport ore by a Countrie fire,
Sir Iohn and all
Ford. Let it be so (Sir Iohn:)
To Master Broome, you yet shall hold your word,
For he, to night, shall lye with Mistris Ford:
Exeunt.
FINIS. THE Merry Wiues of Windsor.
Next: Measvre, For Measure
